That's my intent for 2012.
I'm notorious for putting lots of pressure on myself and trying to do things on my own. It was drilled into me even deeper during the years of caregiving prior to Thomas' death.
But as life speeds up, and I'm still slowed by grief, I'm learning to lean on God again. Okay, overall, things are looking up for us. I’m making emotional progress and there is a lot of emotional progress to make. I’m just so tired. I know it is common and normal with grief and I know my life doesn’t leave much room for rest, but I’m just really drained. It is taking a lot of emotional work to rebuild my life. It’s a job to process all of the feelings not just from Thomas’ death, but from his life and illness. A lot of prayer which sometimes consists of just rambling on and on about what happened to the only one who can’t get away from me. That’s God’s reward for being omnipresent. Thankfully He can take it. And when I look around, there’s work, the house needs attention, Ariana needs attention, and Elijah needs attention.
Work: After working as a contractor/temporary employee for 3 years, HR told management of my department they could no longer keep extending contracts and the long-term contractors either had to be hired on as permanent employees or let go. Well, despite me not wanting the only position they were hiring permanent employees for (because it would mean I could not be there for my children the way I need to be now) they wanted me to stay so they put in a requisition for my current position and it was approved so no more contracting, which means benefits now like company paid life insurance, 401K, long-term and short-term disability, paid sick and personal leave, all things I have been without for a long time. The last 3 years were actually the last 3 of 7 total years that have passed since I had a permanent job.
So now I’m going over things, especially our financial plan, making some changes and revamping our short-term and long-term goals. We’ll stick with the health insurance Thomas left us, but I’ll be getting us dental and vision through my job because frankly while it is good on medical benefits, the dental and vision portion stinks. I’m looking at routines and things at home because this commute that tends to wear me down at times…well now I really need to make it work. And I have been doing better since the permanent position came through. My career was basically at a standstill between being a contractor and the job that I didn’t want to take being the next level up, but when the director talked to me, she put me on a three year timeline to move up and I can live with that. I figure by the time Elijah is in school (which is how she phrased it) I’ll either be ready to move up or move on.
The house had an exterior makeover that I’m really happy with and it looks great when we come home in the afternoons. The interior still needs work, but I was too spent emotionally to continue after the exterior work was done.
And here I am…after nearly two years without Thomas. As reality set in that he was not going to come back, reality set in that I’m a survivor. But I had no choice. Life never slowed down for me and it isn’t slowing down now. I’ve heard the term mourning on the run and our lives could definitely qualify for that. Six days after the funeral it was back to work and unless I was taking Elijah to one of many check-ups he had that first year (one of which was two days after Thomas died) I worked every day except the 12 days total we were on vacation or someone was sick. I bust my behind at home and at work just like any other parent. At times I've found it hard to breathe. I'm convinced that during those times, my heart would have broken beyond repair had it not been for my faith in His mercy.
I started the book "Believe" by Jennifer Silvera. Her pain comes right off the pages. Those moments of looking up into the dark and wondering if anyone is there...if God is there...it's real. Moments during Thomas' illness and times since his death, I've known that type of desparation.
What I'm learning in my time conversing with God, mainly crying out in my angst is patience. I've said a few times on this journey I have learned over this time to respect the load I am carrying. And part of learning that lesson is remembering my faith. It's remembering that beating myself up when the world starts to move too fast for me isn't productive. I've learned a lot of lessons about faith and grace, lessons I'm trying to pass to my children.
It's rarely easy. Today as I started my flight down the highway, my daily game of beat the clock as I drive as fast as I legally can to get to the school before aftercare, I looked up and admitted I was exhausted, my head was spinning with details, and even though I'm full of anticipation, physically I felt like crashing. I can trust God to understand I'm still grateful for all He's done, for the fact that I have a job and beautiful babies. But to do the job and raise the babies I need His help.
So when I ran to Him today I wanted to slow things down. Traffic wasn't bad on the way home and Ariana had already completed over half of her homework. Ahhh...thank You! Watching sports on TV, trying to wind down from the homework session with Ariana, I also watched the children play and tried to literally absorb the sound of their laughter. Eventually, Elijah brought his Thomas the Tank Engine toys from his room into mine. I played trains with my son. It's amazing how something so simple can have a huge effect on the day. He looks at me saying "choo choo" and I repeat "choo choo". He says, "All aboard!" My heart smiled and the spinning slowed.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
December: Our 2 Cristmas Without Daddy, Part 2
So, we made the trip (it's an hour) to the cemetery to say Merry Christmas to daddy and visit with the in-laws. We arrived shortly after 10 to find everyone in Thomas' family that lives in town at the site. We joined in with the gathering to say Merry Christmas to Thomas, but I declined to talk right then.
After that we did a caravan to McDonald's where we had breakfast. Then I took the children to their grandmother's house so they could spend time with her and their cousins.
Once we left there I asked Ariana if she wanted to go back and see daddy before we went home and thankfully as usual, she did. I usually didn't but this time I wanted to go back. I had some stuff to tell him.
We has brought him a bouquet of white roses so I got some pictures of the children there. All because when I started to get sad there talking to him, she started singing to him, which she used to do quite a bit when he wasn't feeling well.
Then, Elijah seemed to be paying attention to where we were so I talked to him about why we were there. Who knew if he had any idea what I was saying, when I said his father loved him, but he had died and this was where he was. When we were about to leave though he stood over the grave and gave a thumb's up sign.
On Christmas Day, we had a nice breakfast, I gave Ariana something out of her stocking, and we went to church. After that, we fulfilled a request to spend some time at my mother's house. We finally got home around 5:00, at which point, I had to get dinner on the table pretty quick. Presents were after that, and after all of the preparation and wrapping, it took about 45 minutes to get into all of the packages. Setting up the toys was not as quick a process. How I could pick so many toys that required Adult Assembly, I'm not sure. They were happy though. Ariana loved everything and was glad to help her brother with his toys. He was a bit overwhelmed. I don't really buy toys during the year, so it was a bit of a shock for him. Several times I saw him trying to play with more than one toy at once. Their faces...that was enough of a gift.
After the New Year rolled in, I found myself thinking about all I had faced in 2011. This was my first full calendar year as a widow. Even though Thomas passed away pretty early in 2010, the part for which he was present was very significant: our son's birth, our 10th anniversary both of those happened in those first couple of months. And thanks to his determination, we also purchased the vehicle I have now.
A lot of things were left to do though. In 2011, I had some major work done on our home's exterior, things a 17 year-old house needs done in most cases, at least in this neighborhood. I started work on the interior of the house. I painted Ariana's bedroom and the room that will be Elijah's room. It's been a pretty emotional process, making some major decisions, and spending that money. It continues to be so as I finish packing Thomas' clothes for donation. Two boxes have gone to the local Men's Correctional Facility like he wanted. But they can't hold it all. I will follow his instructions to donate his clothes. I had so few things I was sure of when he died, but I'm sure of this.
I ventured out into the world with and without my children, but still found the space between them the most comfortable for me. This walk continues to be a roller coaster at times. But at night, and at certain times during the day, I feel a calm. That intense stress of waiting for the next emergency is absent. Constantly facing the possibility of Thomas' death was certainly different than it actually happening; but, even though we miss him, I cannot deny the brutality of his suffering and I cannot wish him back like he was. His love for us, his family and his friends had no limit, but his body was another matter. Many have heard the saying, "A heap see, but a few know." Well, a few really saw and a few really knew what happened at home, what he endured...what I endured...what Ariana endured. Our original prognosis was 2007 and he made it to 2010. I'll always be grateful for that, especially when I look at my son. We'll always miss him; but he's safe now, and I feel we can make it.
My daughter told me, "We just have to stick together no matter what. We have a great family still, the Lord is so worthy (of praise)." She's right. That's what we have done. I stuck with Thomas and he stuck with me until he was done. My children and I have our challenges, but that is what we will do. God has been loving, kind, merciful, patient and faithful. When talking to my pastor's wife she mentioned I still had a smile. I thought of my amazing children. I realize though what that look really is. It's peace. As challenging as this life is at times, I have confidence in God's plan. I know He loves us and intends for us survive and thrive.
In 2012, I want to love God better. He gave us life, gave Thomas rest, restored my faith, and made me dream again. I've seen His healing power in our lives. He's given us good people around us, and makes it all happen here, sometimes (when I'm under the sadness) with little cooperation from me. It's been hard, but I'm still standing. I've laughed, cried, asked why again and again. But I am finding out what I'm made of along the way. I'm a survivor.
After that we did a caravan to McDonald's where we had breakfast. Then I took the children to their grandmother's house so they could spend time with her and their cousins.
Once we left there I asked Ariana if she wanted to go back and see daddy before we went home and thankfully as usual, she did. I usually didn't but this time I wanted to go back. I had some stuff to tell him.
We has brought him a bouquet of white roses so I got some pictures of the children there. All because when I started to get sad there talking to him, she started singing to him, which she used to do quite a bit when he wasn't feeling well.
Then, Elijah seemed to be paying attention to where we were so I talked to him about why we were there. Who knew if he had any idea what I was saying, when I said his father loved him, but he had died and this was where he was. When we were about to leave though he stood over the grave and gave a thumb's up sign.
On Christmas Day, we had a nice breakfast, I gave Ariana something out of her stocking, and we went to church. After that, we fulfilled a request to spend some time at my mother's house. We finally got home around 5:00, at which point, I had to get dinner on the table pretty quick. Presents were after that, and after all of the preparation and wrapping, it took about 45 minutes to get into all of the packages. Setting up the toys was not as quick a process. How I could pick so many toys that required Adult Assembly, I'm not sure. They were happy though. Ariana loved everything and was glad to help her brother with his toys. He was a bit overwhelmed. I don't really buy toys during the year, so it was a bit of a shock for him. Several times I saw him trying to play with more than one toy at once. Their faces...that was enough of a gift.
After the New Year rolled in, I found myself thinking about all I had faced in 2011. This was my first full calendar year as a widow. Even though Thomas passed away pretty early in 2010, the part for which he was present was very significant: our son's birth, our 10th anniversary both of those happened in those first couple of months. And thanks to his determination, we also purchased the vehicle I have now.
A lot of things were left to do though. In 2011, I had some major work done on our home's exterior, things a 17 year-old house needs done in most cases, at least in this neighborhood. I started work on the interior of the house. I painted Ariana's bedroom and the room that will be Elijah's room. It's been a pretty emotional process, making some major decisions, and spending that money. It continues to be so as I finish packing Thomas' clothes for donation. Two boxes have gone to the local Men's Correctional Facility like he wanted. But they can't hold it all. I will follow his instructions to donate his clothes. I had so few things I was sure of when he died, but I'm sure of this.
I ventured out into the world with and without my children, but still found the space between them the most comfortable for me. This walk continues to be a roller coaster at times. But at night, and at certain times during the day, I feel a calm. That intense stress of waiting for the next emergency is absent. Constantly facing the possibility of Thomas' death was certainly different than it actually happening; but, even though we miss him, I cannot deny the brutality of his suffering and I cannot wish him back like he was. His love for us, his family and his friends had no limit, but his body was another matter. Many have heard the saying, "A heap see, but a few know." Well, a few really saw and a few really knew what happened at home, what he endured...what I endured...what Ariana endured. Our original prognosis was 2007 and he made it to 2010. I'll always be grateful for that, especially when I look at my son. We'll always miss him; but he's safe now, and I feel we can make it.
My daughter told me, "We just have to stick together no matter what. We have a great family still, the Lord is so worthy (of praise)." She's right. That's what we have done. I stuck with Thomas and he stuck with me until he was done. My children and I have our challenges, but that is what we will do. God has been loving, kind, merciful, patient and faithful. When talking to my pastor's wife she mentioned I still had a smile. I thought of my amazing children. I realize though what that look really is. It's peace. As challenging as this life is at times, I have confidence in God's plan. I know He loves us and intends for us survive and thrive.
In 2012, I want to love God better. He gave us life, gave Thomas rest, restored my faith, and made me dream again. I've seen His healing power in our lives. He's given us good people around us, and makes it all happen here, sometimes (when I'm under the sadness) with little cooperation from me. It's been hard, but I'm still standing. I've laughed, cried, asked why again and again. But I am finding out what I'm made of along the way. I'm a survivor.
Friday, December 30, 2011
December: Our 2nd Christmas Without Daddy, part 1
Throughout the year, I purchase very few to no toys for my children. I’m too busy clothing them, feeding them, paying for their education and their entertainment.
But in October, I set a budget and made a list about 12 toys long. I figured 6 new toys was enough for each of them and the first day I could, I dropped the children at their Godparent’s house and went and put everything on Lay-away at the Wal-Mart closest to our home, only going to Toys R Us for one thing that Wal-Mart didn’t have. That was the Disney Princess boom box I got so Ariana could have speakers for her mp3 player. She’d asked for an Ipod Touch. I had to laugh. I don’t even have one of those. I also know she isn’t of an age yet, where she understands getting an expensive gift means your gifts are fewer in number. What she got was a simple mp3 player with a touchscreen that was about a quarter of the price.
December arrived and the first event of the holiday season was the Christmas play at Ariana’s school. The students in the elementary school do it. It is generally written by one of the teachers, though I’m not sure if this one was because they didn’t say who penned this one. It was the Christmas Puzzle. A group of children is snowed in with their grandmother. She gives them a special puzzle to assemble. There’s no box cover to go by, only bible verses as clues. As the play goes on, they assemble the puzzle and the story of Jesus’ birth unfolds. I always enjoy this. It’s super cute seeing the children act, sing and dance.
As to our tree, it had been up since the Saturday after Thanksgiving a couple of hours after we returned from visiting with family at my sister’s house. I think I loved the tree more this year than last year even. It’s just beautiful and I will always carry the memory of the night the three of us ventured out to get it and the decorations.
I don’t really do gifts for other people. My determination to reduce the stress that possibly comes with this time of year had me adopt a different way of blessing others. When you’re a parent, this thing goes to a whole new level. Cash for the children’s gift yes, but you gift teachers. Ariana has one, Elijah has two. They have parties with a gift exchange. Ariana had one at school and one for Children’s choir. I always give our pastors something. You almost have to be a magician to get the numbers to come out in your favor. I’m very fortunate to have a good job and good people looking after my children in different areas of their lives. The hardest part was finding a gift for the exchange Ariana had at school. The instructions were to find a $5 unisex toy. That type of thing really seems to be an endangered species among toys. When it comes to family, we had holiday portraits taken and I give them out. I hadn’t been in the pictures before, but this year, I decided this would be a family picture. I picked the color scheme (red and gray/silver) and on Saturday, December 10th, we had our appointment at Sears. I got several poses in various sizes, had one of the pictures made into a greeting card and voila! Christmas shopping was over.
It was two days before Christmas before I was able to find enough time alone to get everything wrapped and under the tree. Thankfully Elijah isn’t really aware of the whole deal yet and paid little to no attention to all of the packages. Ariana was excited to see everything there, but disappointed that there was nothing under the tree for me. I had thought about getting myself something, but time got the better of me. I assured her it was okay. Her Godparents had gotten me some jewelry and my mother gave me some money. I’ve come to accept not having anything under the tree as part of this life.
But at night I would sit and look at that tree. The recliner is directly across from it. Thomas used to love to sit there and enjoy the tree. Now I sit there, take deep breaths, watching it twinkle, and watching how the lights reflect on the other decorations around them. My eyes focus at times on the angel picture frame ornament hanging center with Thomas' picture inside and the words "Forever in Our Hearts" written above his head. It sinks in just how good, just how kind, just how loving, just how merciful, just how protective and most of all just how patient, God has been in our lives. Those are gifts I open everyday, gifts so expensive, they can't be found in a store, not even on Black Friday. That gift is life. I'm so grateful.
But in October, I set a budget and made a list about 12 toys long. I figured 6 new toys was enough for each of them and the first day I could, I dropped the children at their Godparent’s house and went and put everything on Lay-away at the Wal-Mart closest to our home, only going to Toys R Us for one thing that Wal-Mart didn’t have. That was the Disney Princess boom box I got so Ariana could have speakers for her mp3 player. She’d asked for an Ipod Touch. I had to laugh. I don’t even have one of those. I also know she isn’t of an age yet, where she understands getting an expensive gift means your gifts are fewer in number. What she got was a simple mp3 player with a touchscreen that was about a quarter of the price.
December arrived and the first event of the holiday season was the Christmas play at Ariana’s school. The students in the elementary school do it. It is generally written by one of the teachers, though I’m not sure if this one was because they didn’t say who penned this one. It was the Christmas Puzzle. A group of children is snowed in with their grandmother. She gives them a special puzzle to assemble. There’s no box cover to go by, only bible verses as clues. As the play goes on, they assemble the puzzle and the story of Jesus’ birth unfolds. I always enjoy this. It’s super cute seeing the children act, sing and dance.
As to our tree, it had been up since the Saturday after Thanksgiving a couple of hours after we returned from visiting with family at my sister’s house. I think I loved the tree more this year than last year even. It’s just beautiful and I will always carry the memory of the night the three of us ventured out to get it and the decorations.
I don’t really do gifts for other people. My determination to reduce the stress that possibly comes with this time of year had me adopt a different way of blessing others. When you’re a parent, this thing goes to a whole new level. Cash for the children’s gift yes, but you gift teachers. Ariana has one, Elijah has two. They have parties with a gift exchange. Ariana had one at school and one for Children’s choir. I always give our pastors something. You almost have to be a magician to get the numbers to come out in your favor. I’m very fortunate to have a good job and good people looking after my children in different areas of their lives. The hardest part was finding a gift for the exchange Ariana had at school. The instructions were to find a $5 unisex toy. That type of thing really seems to be an endangered species among toys. When it comes to family, we had holiday portraits taken and I give them out. I hadn’t been in the pictures before, but this year, I decided this would be a family picture. I picked the color scheme (red and gray/silver) and on Saturday, December 10th, we had our appointment at Sears. I got several poses in various sizes, had one of the pictures made into a greeting card and voila! Christmas shopping was over.
It was two days before Christmas before I was able to find enough time alone to get everything wrapped and under the tree. Thankfully Elijah isn’t really aware of the whole deal yet and paid little to no attention to all of the packages. Ariana was excited to see everything there, but disappointed that there was nothing under the tree for me. I had thought about getting myself something, but time got the better of me. I assured her it was okay. Her Godparents had gotten me some jewelry and my mother gave me some money. I’ve come to accept not having anything under the tree as part of this life.
But at night I would sit and look at that tree. The recliner is directly across from it. Thomas used to love to sit there and enjoy the tree. Now I sit there, take deep breaths, watching it twinkle, and watching how the lights reflect on the other decorations around them. My eyes focus at times on the angel picture frame ornament hanging center with Thomas' picture inside and the words "Forever in Our Hearts" written above his head. It sinks in just how good, just how kind, just how loving, just how merciful, just how protective and most of all just how patient, God has been in our lives. Those are gifts I open everyday, gifts so expensive, they can't be found in a store, not even on Black Friday. That gift is life. I'm so grateful.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
My Approach to Surviving and Thriving Through the Holidays: Part Two
Now, it’s 2011. We are approaching the last quarter of the 2nd year of our new life. This is the second set of holidays without daddy. This year’s approach was a bit different for us. Shortly after Thomas’ death my father came back into my life. I had not seen him in eight years and neither I nor my siblings knew where he was. Thomas faithfully prayed for a reunification every day even after the rejection I felt left me with only a hope that he was safe. It was one of many things I wished he’d survived to see. My father is of course older, a little slower, but he is remarried and happy. In 2010, he, my stepmother and brother all went to my sister’s house for Thanksgiving. When I was invited I had already booked the Disney World trip. The children and I saw them a few months later when one of my nieces graduated from a university nearby. Fast forward to this year, I got a text from my sister again inviting us there for Thanksgiving. We were getting another chance to be a part of this get together and this time I took it.
There is rest for the weary after all.
I’m sure most of us have heard the saying, “There’s no rest for the weary.” I’d become very familiar with it during my married life and my time as a widow. Being a caregiver, running a household alone as a wife, being a single parent, running a household alone as a widow all while holding down a full time job, I could have had this saying tattooed somewhere if I was into tattoos that is. It would have to be a fake one that washes off after a couple of days.
But when I put the children in the van and started down the highway to my sister’s house last week, I wasn’t thinking about getting much rest. All I was thinking about was getting away from the house again and seeing my family. I had no desire to stay home, or make a big meal, or do the constant clean-up that is an inevitable part of my son being at home all day with his toys. Ariana was excited, mainly about seeing “paw paw”. That is what my father’s grandchildren call him. Elijah as usual just went with what was happening, even though I could tell he was very confused when the little box in front of him showed one of his favorite cartoons. I had picked up a Phillips two screen portable DVD player for the van after work. I ordered it online from Best Buy for store pick-up and installed it before leaving the store’s parking lot. It turned out to be the cure for the “Are we almost there-itis” my daughter seems to come down with 30 minutes into any long drive.
Something happened after we got there. My children settled in to the unfamiliar surroundings pretty quickly and found playmates as soon as we arrived. My sister was caring for two of her grandchildren while her daughter worked. Thank God for cousins. My niece is 7 and my nephew is 3. Ariana is 8 and Elijah is almost 2. You would have thought they’d known each other all of their lives, but it was only their second time seeing each other. Once their mother picked them up around 9:00, Ariana was so tired she passed out in bed. My father and stepmother arrived at around 10:00. Elijah stayed up long enough to see them, but once I got him to stay still for five minutes he was out too. I stayed up another 30 minutes to get caught up, but knew if I wanted to get enough sleep, I had to retire as well. My brother left his home later that night to avoid traffic, but arrived before dawn.
I got something out of the trip I wasn’t expecting. I was able to relax. One aunt, two uncles, a set of grandparents and several cousins meant for just a few days I wasn’t the entire world to my children. When my son wanted to be picked up, he had his choice of several people and he took to the "new" adults in his life better than I could have hoped. They all knew how to deal with him. He and “paw paw” became fast friends and it quickly became clear to Elijah that this guy was impressed with everything he did and said. He pointed to an apple and within a few minutes there was an apple in his hand. He pointed and said “cracker” and POOF, several came to him. He said "milk" and someone gave him a cup. My sister made them breakfast and once Thanksgiving dinner was prepared, we ate it for days. My brother-in-law fried a turkey outside, my sister made potato salad and several sweet potato pies. Other members of my sister’s and my brother-in-law’s families brought other side dishes.
The cousins did not stay the night but they returned each day we were there and two more came to the house on Thanksgiving Day. My sister in addition to having two daughters has two stepdaughters who each have a daughter. There were children everywhere and my sister and brother-in-law have a big yard. When they weren’t outside, the Wii video game system in the back room kept them busy for a while. I’m surprised Ariana’s arms aren’t sore from playing the boxing game. Only thing is I might end up having to buy one of those things.
On Friday I didn’t even bother getting dressed. We all except my brother who had to go to another city for the day, stayed in our pajamas. I really hope this gathering becomes an annual event. I could use the rest.
With a bit of sadness, I drove us home on Saturday afternoon. Everyone else was staying over to Sunday, but I needed Saturday evening and Sunday to get us settled back in to our life. On Monday it was back to work and school. I had rather ease back into reality than be tossed back into it. I had a simple plan in mind. On Saturday evening, I wanted to unpack the suitcase, do two loads of laundry, put the Christmas tree up and decorate it. We had a leadership meeting and church service on Sunday.
The tree is up and I love it even more than last year. We added a new ornament this year. I found it at a holiday store in our local mall. It is a picture frame with angel wings. On the top it reads “Forever in Our Hearts”. In the blank space above the picture I had the store employee write “Daddy” with the year 2010. I put Thomas’ picture inside. Sunday evening I baked cookies and began to decorate the outside of the house. The presents for the children have been on lay-away at Wal-Mart since October. I still have to make that photo session appointment. My approach to Christmas will still be to dive in head first and pull out what is good. We’ll have a chance to have fun and to further explore the true meaning of the season.
So the only question that remained was what to do with Thomas’ Christmas money. This year’s charity will be "Love Haiti’s Children". I give to American charities throughout the year, but this one is dear to me. The pastors I had before I joined Word of God Fellowship opened an orphanage there after the earthquake. It’s true, my children have no father. They are however, blessed with a lot of people who love them intensely. The children in Haiti this orphanage was built for have no one until the missionaries get there. I think of all of the times my daughter tells me she misses her father every day, but is so glad that at least I am still here. It doesn’t comfort me to think of others who are less fortunate, but it does move me in ways I can’t really express.
We still hurt. We still miss Thomas. We still have plenty of challenges to face. We still have days where we seem lost. We still have so much growing to do. We’re still here though and we’re still a family. We still have hope. We still have love. We still have laughter. We still have our faith. We still have the ability to give. Every day of our lives I am aware of all of those things. The approach of Christmas and the New Year though allows me to become aware of them on a higher level. I can slow down and see things more clearly, plan for that growth, appreciate our progress, and remember how fortunate we are. As 2011 ticks away, I’ll aim to do the same thing I did last year, but more so. I’ll take some deep breaths, thank God for His mercy and His patience with me, tighten my grip on my children and do my best to move the three of us forward.
There is rest for the weary after all.
I’m sure most of us have heard the saying, “There’s no rest for the weary.” I’d become very familiar with it during my married life and my time as a widow. Being a caregiver, running a household alone as a wife, being a single parent, running a household alone as a widow all while holding down a full time job, I could have had this saying tattooed somewhere if I was into tattoos that is. It would have to be a fake one that washes off after a couple of days.
But when I put the children in the van and started down the highway to my sister’s house last week, I wasn’t thinking about getting much rest. All I was thinking about was getting away from the house again and seeing my family. I had no desire to stay home, or make a big meal, or do the constant clean-up that is an inevitable part of my son being at home all day with his toys. Ariana was excited, mainly about seeing “paw paw”. That is what my father’s grandchildren call him. Elijah as usual just went with what was happening, even though I could tell he was very confused when the little box in front of him showed one of his favorite cartoons. I had picked up a Phillips two screen portable DVD player for the van after work. I ordered it online from Best Buy for store pick-up and installed it before leaving the store’s parking lot. It turned out to be the cure for the “Are we almost there-itis” my daughter seems to come down with 30 minutes into any long drive.
Something happened after we got there. My children settled in to the unfamiliar surroundings pretty quickly and found playmates as soon as we arrived. My sister was caring for two of her grandchildren while her daughter worked. Thank God for cousins. My niece is 7 and my nephew is 3. Ariana is 8 and Elijah is almost 2. You would have thought they’d known each other all of their lives, but it was only their second time seeing each other. Once their mother picked them up around 9:00, Ariana was so tired she passed out in bed. My father and stepmother arrived at around 10:00. Elijah stayed up long enough to see them, but once I got him to stay still for five minutes he was out too. I stayed up another 30 minutes to get caught up, but knew if I wanted to get enough sleep, I had to retire as well. My brother left his home later that night to avoid traffic, but arrived before dawn.
I got something out of the trip I wasn’t expecting. I was able to relax. One aunt, two uncles, a set of grandparents and several cousins meant for just a few days I wasn’t the entire world to my children. When my son wanted to be picked up, he had his choice of several people and he took to the "new" adults in his life better than I could have hoped. They all knew how to deal with him. He and “paw paw” became fast friends and it quickly became clear to Elijah that this guy was impressed with everything he did and said. He pointed to an apple and within a few minutes there was an apple in his hand. He pointed and said “cracker” and POOF, several came to him. He said "milk" and someone gave him a cup. My sister made them breakfast and once Thanksgiving dinner was prepared, we ate it for days. My brother-in-law fried a turkey outside, my sister made potato salad and several sweet potato pies. Other members of my sister’s and my brother-in-law’s families brought other side dishes.
The cousins did not stay the night but they returned each day we were there and two more came to the house on Thanksgiving Day. My sister in addition to having two daughters has two stepdaughters who each have a daughter. There were children everywhere and my sister and brother-in-law have a big yard. When they weren’t outside, the Wii video game system in the back room kept them busy for a while. I’m surprised Ariana’s arms aren’t sore from playing the boxing game. Only thing is I might end up having to buy one of those things.
On Friday I didn’t even bother getting dressed. We all except my brother who had to go to another city for the day, stayed in our pajamas. I really hope this gathering becomes an annual event. I could use the rest.
With a bit of sadness, I drove us home on Saturday afternoon. Everyone else was staying over to Sunday, but I needed Saturday evening and Sunday to get us settled back in to our life. On Monday it was back to work and school. I had rather ease back into reality than be tossed back into it. I had a simple plan in mind. On Saturday evening, I wanted to unpack the suitcase, do two loads of laundry, put the Christmas tree up and decorate it. We had a leadership meeting and church service on Sunday.
The tree is up and I love it even more than last year. We added a new ornament this year. I found it at a holiday store in our local mall. It is a picture frame with angel wings. On the top it reads “Forever in Our Hearts”. In the blank space above the picture I had the store employee write “Daddy” with the year 2010. I put Thomas’ picture inside. Sunday evening I baked cookies and began to decorate the outside of the house. The presents for the children have been on lay-away at Wal-Mart since October. I still have to make that photo session appointment. My approach to Christmas will still be to dive in head first and pull out what is good. We’ll have a chance to have fun and to further explore the true meaning of the season.
So the only question that remained was what to do with Thomas’ Christmas money. This year’s charity will be "Love Haiti’s Children". I give to American charities throughout the year, but this one is dear to me. The pastors I had before I joined Word of God Fellowship opened an orphanage there after the earthquake. It’s true, my children have no father. They are however, blessed with a lot of people who love them intensely. The children in Haiti this orphanage was built for have no one until the missionaries get there. I think of all of the times my daughter tells me she misses her father every day, but is so glad that at least I am still here. It doesn’t comfort me to think of others who are less fortunate, but it does move me in ways I can’t really express.
We still hurt. We still miss Thomas. We still have plenty of challenges to face. We still have days where we seem lost. We still have so much growing to do. We’re still here though and we’re still a family. We still have hope. We still have love. We still have laughter. We still have our faith. We still have the ability to give. Every day of our lives I am aware of all of those things. The approach of Christmas and the New Year though allows me to become aware of them on a higher level. I can slow down and see things more clearly, plan for that growth, appreciate our progress, and remember how fortunate we are. As 2011 ticks away, I’ll aim to do the same thing I did last year, but more so. I’ll take some deep breaths, thank God for His mercy and His patience with me, tighten my grip on my children and do my best to move the three of us forward.
Monday, November 28, 2011
My Approach to Surviving and Thriving Through the Holidays: Part One
The holidays are pretty much in full swing. It can potentially be a really rough time for my set of the population. This is our second set of holidays since Thomas’ death. We actually had several months between his death and the holidays and I appreciate that. I know several people who in addition to dealing with going through the holidays without their spouse, have the memory of losing their spouse close to a family holiday. Thomas died 17 days after our wedding anniversary and the first one afterwards was very difficult for me. My approach to the holidays last year had different themes. For Thanksgiving we abandoned tradition and our house. For Christmas, I decided to mix old ones with new ones, but to dive in head first.
For Part One, I'll go back to 2010.
Last year, we spent Thanksgiving at Disney World. I wanted to take the children there in 2011, but after Thomas died, I decided not to wait. Ariana’s fall break, which shifts according to an annual teacher’s conference fell on the week of Thanksgiving so instead of having 3 days of the week off from school, she had the entire week. I booked and planned 6 days at Disney World over a span of three months. I kept the trip a surprise for Ariana just in case we didn’t make it, but we did and we had a wonderful time. Every year of our life together we hosted several people for Thanksgiving in our home. Thomas did the bulk of the cooking because that is what he loved to do. I contributed a side or two and did the cleaning before and after. We never traveled because he had to be right back at work the next day. I found traveling to be a good alternative.
As was our tradition during Thomas’ life, we spent Christmas at home. I tossed our old Christmas tree and most of the decorations (an artificial one we bought in 2005). One evening after work/school, I bundled up the children and we went to Wal-Mart for a brand new tree and all new decorations. I found us a pre-lit Colorado fir tree. It was 7 feet tall with over 800 tips. It was full bodied and beautiful in the picture (and was outside the box as well). Elijah sat in the cart looking around while Ariana and I went up and down the aisles picking up individual decorations ranging from $1 to $3 in price…stars, spirals, a key, a reindeer, a church and some other things. I picked up the small traditional ball shaped ornaments in packs of 5 in gold, silver, red and green, then a larger box as well. Ariana picked out an angel for the top. I put together and decorated it while Ariana did her homework. It was gorgeous.
On a different day, after church, we traveled to visit Thomas' family and his grave site. He is buried in his home town. I left a picture of the children and spent some time with my in-laws. On yet another day, we wrapped up and went out in search of groceries. I set myself to make a dinner worthy of being called a Christmas dinner even though one of the three of us was barely into table food. In Thomas’ honor we had Cornish game hens (a favorite of his). We had fresh cabbage, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, cranberry sauce and two desserts.
As to presents, I generally have a photo session done with the children and give the portraits to family members. I buy very few toys during the year, so when Christmas approached I had a really good idea of what I wanted for the children and picked things up when I could. I generally spent $200 on Thomas each Christmas. Last year I donated that money to Saint Jude’s Children’s Hospital and also took every opportunity to teach Ariana about charity. Even though this horrible thing had happened to us, I didn't feel it was time to shield her from other harsh realities of the world. She's a giving child. It wasn't hard to get the message across. After breakfast on Christmas morning, we read the Christmas story. Then, with a restful smile I watched Ariana and Elijah open and enjoy their toys and tried to rest. Like Ariana at her first Christmas, Elijah was a bit overwhelmed when his toy supply literally tripled, but he got the hang of it.
I did not regret how I chose to deal with either ocassion. When the last seconds of 2010 ticked away on December 31st, I was at church. I expressed my gratitude to God for having made it as far as we had, and thanked Him for His mercy and patience with me. Then I let out a deep breath and tightened my grip on my children. Last year I was determined to show Ariana that God would see us through as our faith had been shaken at its base. I was also in high gear of my "Yes we are still a family" campaign and in the end it was successful.
Part Two: What about this year?
For Part One, I'll go back to 2010.
Last year, we spent Thanksgiving at Disney World. I wanted to take the children there in 2011, but after Thomas died, I decided not to wait. Ariana’s fall break, which shifts according to an annual teacher’s conference fell on the week of Thanksgiving so instead of having 3 days of the week off from school, she had the entire week. I booked and planned 6 days at Disney World over a span of three months. I kept the trip a surprise for Ariana just in case we didn’t make it, but we did and we had a wonderful time. Every year of our life together we hosted several people for Thanksgiving in our home. Thomas did the bulk of the cooking because that is what he loved to do. I contributed a side or two and did the cleaning before and after. We never traveled because he had to be right back at work the next day. I found traveling to be a good alternative.
As was our tradition during Thomas’ life, we spent Christmas at home. I tossed our old Christmas tree and most of the decorations (an artificial one we bought in 2005). One evening after work/school, I bundled up the children and we went to Wal-Mart for a brand new tree and all new decorations. I found us a pre-lit Colorado fir tree. It was 7 feet tall with over 800 tips. It was full bodied and beautiful in the picture (and was outside the box as well). Elijah sat in the cart looking around while Ariana and I went up and down the aisles picking up individual decorations ranging from $1 to $3 in price…stars, spirals, a key, a reindeer, a church and some other things. I picked up the small traditional ball shaped ornaments in packs of 5 in gold, silver, red and green, then a larger box as well. Ariana picked out an angel for the top. I put together and decorated it while Ariana did her homework. It was gorgeous.
On a different day, after church, we traveled to visit Thomas' family and his grave site. He is buried in his home town. I left a picture of the children and spent some time with my in-laws. On yet another day, we wrapped up and went out in search of groceries. I set myself to make a dinner worthy of being called a Christmas dinner even though one of the three of us was barely into table food. In Thomas’ honor we had Cornish game hens (a favorite of his). We had fresh cabbage, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, cranberry sauce and two desserts.
As to presents, I generally have a photo session done with the children and give the portraits to family members. I buy very few toys during the year, so when Christmas approached I had a really good idea of what I wanted for the children and picked things up when I could. I generally spent $200 on Thomas each Christmas. Last year I donated that money to Saint Jude’s Children’s Hospital and also took every opportunity to teach Ariana about charity. Even though this horrible thing had happened to us, I didn't feel it was time to shield her from other harsh realities of the world. She's a giving child. It wasn't hard to get the message across. After breakfast on Christmas morning, we read the Christmas story. Then, with a restful smile I watched Ariana and Elijah open and enjoy their toys and tried to rest. Like Ariana at her first Christmas, Elijah was a bit overwhelmed when his toy supply literally tripled, but he got the hang of it.
I did not regret how I chose to deal with either ocassion. When the last seconds of 2010 ticked away on December 31st, I was at church. I expressed my gratitude to God for having made it as far as we had, and thanked Him for His mercy and patience with me. Then I let out a deep breath and tightened my grip on my children. Last year I was determined to show Ariana that God would see us through as our faith had been shaken at its base. I was also in high gear of my "Yes we are still a family" campaign and in the end it was successful.
Part Two: What about this year?
Monday, November 14, 2011
Year Two: Pulling Back the Curtain
Geez whoever said the 2nd year of widowhood could be harder hit the nail square on the head. We've got just over 3.5 months left in it. What I hoped would be a time of healing has turned into a time of revealing more of what needs to be healed. Having a new baby and some other things going on probably pushed the tough stuff back a bit. It took 18 months for me to break open about the anger I felt. I guess that is a necessary step. This is a really long road.
Children especially (and I have two) have complicated grief. With my son, even at 22 months, he is drawn to male companionship. He's fortunate to have a Godfather who loves him. He will about 50% of the time now recognize a picture on the fridge as his daddy because I told him that is who it was. My daughter, I now know will need 2 therapists. One for some reading and speech issues that showed up late and another for grief.
It's just been in the last few months my daughter has really started to talk in bits and pieces how she feels about what happened to her father and now she says it is on her mind a lot. Last night she said, she thought he would be around for her to grow up and she's outraged he is not here. She was very calm when she said it, but still hearing your child say she's outraged and you can't fix it stinks. Yesterday she saw a dad pick his daughter up and kiss her and I could see the hurt in her face.
School is an issue and an evaluation revealed some significant gaps in her learning. She tells me there is a lot going on in her brain.
And why wouldn't there be anyway? A large number of children who lose a parent also lose an entire year or more academically and have to catch up later. When we are struggling with the homework I try to remember that. Her father is dead. She's confused and she misses him. She's mad he's gone but also relieved he didn't give me what he had. He coughed a lot and at six years old of course she thought he was contagious. She's concerned about not having a father, but mostly because I have to do it all for her and her brother and she doesn't think that's fair. I certainly can't argue with her, but it is really any wonder there isn't much room left for remembering there are 3 feet in a yard?
She's a loving child who tries hard. She is brilliant in that when she is thriving she shines like the sun...the cutest little cheerleader, an animal lover, a budding Science geek, and a soloist in the children's choir. Test grades are low though and with this being an EOG year, it's worrisome. Her overall GPA is only saved by how well she does on her homework and classwork even though it takes her longer. And the mercy of her teacher who graciously sent me a packet of work she got behind on last week to complete by this Friday and still get full credit.
She is just zoning out at certain times, probably partially due to everything she is thinking about and the gaps the therapist found. Previously when she was corrected for zoning out, she'd start crying, but she has stopped doing that since I became aware of it. Yes, there's some drama queen in there too. Other than that she is very well behaved and I can count on one hand the number of negative behavior comments I've gotten in the last 2 years.
But a visit to her pediatrician is on the list too because if there's another issue causing the lack of focus I want to address it. The therapist didn't notice any, but one thing I do notice is when left on her own to write something, it comes out just like anything her father would write…a lot of misspelled words and grammatical errors that make her sentences nonsense. It's like there's a block between all the rules she is learning and putting them to use. She can convey she understands a story orally, but if left to write a summary of the story, it's a mess.
But if I put her down with her Science book and there's questions at the end of a chapter and she has to look up the answers in the content and write them down she can do it. One morning I discovered we'd forgotten to do her Science homework and she got it done in 15 minutes flat. Now she does love Science, but with her other issues, I'd think she would struggle with this. I'm glad she doesn't, but it doesn't make sense to me that she doesn't if that makes sense.
One thing the therapist did say was that there is likely nothing I could have done to prevent what has happened with her and that I'm doing the right thing getting help for her, which was therapeutic in itself. But I called our local hospice to make an appointment for myself. Life had not settled enough to fit it in previously and really I'm just peeling back the layers and able to talk about what happened in a way that therapy could be beneficial. I've always been sad or mad about him being gone, but have found a way to stay on the road to a good life. We have good times together and we stay positive about our challenges. I'm just really starting to feel the reality of what I'm facing. Some of it Thomas left me with because life and his illness meant we didn't address it during his life. Some things I'm facing directly because of his death and some things I might be facing either way, but they're magnified because of his death in one way or another. Exhaustion sets in and it is setting in when my daughter needs me more than ever.
During his life, our situation was very private out of respect for my husband and I don't regret it. But where I go from here is my decision. There's no fear of seeking professional help especially when it comes to my children. The trick of needing counseling being a structural weakness takes too many people under. Too many people are swallowed up in isolation surrounded by a fear of being labeled weak. Were I weak, I would never have survived to this point and that goes for anyone in the same situation. Is it fair? Nope, but fair only exists in children's games. Who knows why some people face things that would crush most people, but God has always proven Himself to be the equalizer and talking to Him let me know I am equipped for this. That could mean I use the strength God gave me to handle it or I use His strength to find the right resources for help. Either way, I just know that, I take His strength and take charge...hearbreak and all.
Children especially (and I have two) have complicated grief. With my son, even at 22 months, he is drawn to male companionship. He's fortunate to have a Godfather who loves him. He will about 50% of the time now recognize a picture on the fridge as his daddy because I told him that is who it was. My daughter, I now know will need 2 therapists. One for some reading and speech issues that showed up late and another for grief.
It's just been in the last few months my daughter has really started to talk in bits and pieces how she feels about what happened to her father and now she says it is on her mind a lot. Last night she said, she thought he would be around for her to grow up and she's outraged he is not here. She was very calm when she said it, but still hearing your child say she's outraged and you can't fix it stinks. Yesterday she saw a dad pick his daughter up and kiss her and I could see the hurt in her face.
School is an issue and an evaluation revealed some significant gaps in her learning. She tells me there is a lot going on in her brain.
And why wouldn't there be anyway? A large number of children who lose a parent also lose an entire year or more academically and have to catch up later. When we are struggling with the homework I try to remember that. Her father is dead. She's confused and she misses him. She's mad he's gone but also relieved he didn't give me what he had. He coughed a lot and at six years old of course she thought he was contagious. She's concerned about not having a father, but mostly because I have to do it all for her and her brother and she doesn't think that's fair. I certainly can't argue with her, but it is really any wonder there isn't much room left for remembering there are 3 feet in a yard?
She's a loving child who tries hard. She is brilliant in that when she is thriving she shines like the sun...the cutest little cheerleader, an animal lover, a budding Science geek, and a soloist in the children's choir. Test grades are low though and with this being an EOG year, it's worrisome. Her overall GPA is only saved by how well she does on her homework and classwork even though it takes her longer. And the mercy of her teacher who graciously sent me a packet of work she got behind on last week to complete by this Friday and still get full credit.
She is just zoning out at certain times, probably partially due to everything she is thinking about and the gaps the therapist found. Previously when she was corrected for zoning out, she'd start crying, but she has stopped doing that since I became aware of it. Yes, there's some drama queen in there too. Other than that she is very well behaved and I can count on one hand the number of negative behavior comments I've gotten in the last 2 years.
But a visit to her pediatrician is on the list too because if there's another issue causing the lack of focus I want to address it. The therapist didn't notice any, but one thing I do notice is when left on her own to write something, it comes out just like anything her father would write…a lot of misspelled words and grammatical errors that make her sentences nonsense. It's like there's a block between all the rules she is learning and putting them to use. She can convey she understands a story orally, but if left to write a summary of the story, it's a mess.
But if I put her down with her Science book and there's questions at the end of a chapter and she has to look up the answers in the content and write them down she can do it. One morning I discovered we'd forgotten to do her Science homework and she got it done in 15 minutes flat. Now she does love Science, but with her other issues, I'd think she would struggle with this. I'm glad she doesn't, but it doesn't make sense to me that she doesn't if that makes sense.
One thing the therapist did say was that there is likely nothing I could have done to prevent what has happened with her and that I'm doing the right thing getting help for her, which was therapeutic in itself. But I called our local hospice to make an appointment for myself. Life had not settled enough to fit it in previously and really I'm just peeling back the layers and able to talk about what happened in a way that therapy could be beneficial. I've always been sad or mad about him being gone, but have found a way to stay on the road to a good life. We have good times together and we stay positive about our challenges. I'm just really starting to feel the reality of what I'm facing. Some of it Thomas left me with because life and his illness meant we didn't address it during his life. Some things I'm facing directly because of his death and some things I might be facing either way, but they're magnified because of his death in one way or another. Exhaustion sets in and it is setting in when my daughter needs me more than ever.
During his life, our situation was very private out of respect for my husband and I don't regret it. But where I go from here is my decision. There's no fear of seeking professional help especially when it comes to my children. The trick of needing counseling being a structural weakness takes too many people under. Too many people are swallowed up in isolation surrounded by a fear of being labeled weak. Were I weak, I would never have survived to this point and that goes for anyone in the same situation. Is it fair? Nope, but fair only exists in children's games. Who knows why some people face things that would crush most people, but God has always proven Himself to be the equalizer and talking to Him let me know I am equipped for this. That could mean I use the strength God gave me to handle it or I use His strength to find the right resources for help. Either way, I just know that, I take His strength and take charge...hearbreak and all.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Breaking Open At One and a Half Years
Yeah, I'm usually never late, but this walk I have found is one where there is no set pace.
So I haven't posted in quite some time. I have these times where I close in on myself and have thoughts and emotions I don't want to share. But that wasn't the original purpose of this blog. It was to be an open honest account of the ups and downs of my journey after my husband's death. I wouldn't have anyone reading not know it's a huge challenge. There's joy in my life and pain. That's the honest truth.
I had to come to terms that I'm still really angry about what happened, about everything, the disease, the effects of the disease on Thomas and therefore our marriage, how I don't see myself the same anymore, how some of the encounters with him during those times, especially when he was heavily medicated really lowered my self-esteem, how I'm still a product of some of the negative things I went through.
I couldn't even cry...not more than shedding a few tears here and there. I could sit and get behind on laundry, let the house become disorganized, lose focus, but I couldn't let the emotion out even when I felt it coming. I told myself I had to be strong, that I couldn't let the children see me break down. I'm all they have left, I should keep it together. I could hear my my husband telling me how it wouldn't do any good to cry, how I shouldn't be that weak (yeah, I know).
After a while I got a bit fed up...angry really. As many times as I'd told people who asked about it that God can handle your anger and as many times as I'd told myself the same thing, and even heard it in my head when I would pray, I could not seem to make the step to say, "Yeah, I'm mad...I'm really mad. I'm mad at Thomas, I'm mad at me and yeah, I'm mad at You too cuz I know you love us and didn't cause what happened, but I also can't understand why I can't catch a break."
I mean my husband is dead. My children have NO father. But one thing I learned while Thomas was alive was that having a huge life weight doesn't mean you're immune from the challenges of life other people face. Thomas and I had his illness plus all of the normal issues married couples face and his illness left us without the tools a lot of couples use to deal with those issues. We did what we could. The fact that we're on a grief journey and my children have no father doesn't keep parenting challenges away. It doesn't keep house challenges away and it invites money issues...rolls the red carpet out for them it seems. I felt stuck, but the very real need to acknowledge what I had and have that is good usually would over-ride my urge to say..."CRAP!"
Then came a turning point for me. In church the message was about dealing with stuff that holds us back and how the first step was to admit it. At the end I went up for prayer. They pair you with someone hopefully in your category to pray with you. I could already feel the tears coming. I looked up and it was a friend, another single mom, 12 years my junior but one for which I have a lot of respect. She had her girls young but has made a good life for them. One is in Ariana's class at school, the other is a year behind them. She works her behind off, has her own home, goes to school, you get the idea.
She leaned in and asked, "Is there anything specific you want to pray about?" I started to lose it, but managed to say, "I'm really angry about what happened to my husband and my marriage." As she began to pray I began to sob. I realized my mood in the weeks leading up to this were the result of me putting God out to arm's length again. At a certain point a few months ago I had come to the conclusion that despite what had happened, the children and I could have a bright future. Now, I still believe that, but it appeared that as soon as I came to that conclusion some force decided to see what else could be thrown at me since I had the nerve to still believe I could have a life after my husband died...nice right?
When she finished praying, I only meant to give her a hug, but I was so far gone by then it turned into that gut wrenching, hardly able to catch your breath sobbing, I'd probably been needing to get out for nearly a year and a half. I felt so bad for her. By the end, she was crying almost as hard as I was. I realized my failure to reach out sufficiently. Finally finding that shoulder or rather letting it find me and "losing it" didn't make anything blow up.
Go figure.
So I haven't posted in quite some time. I have these times where I close in on myself and have thoughts and emotions I don't want to share. But that wasn't the original purpose of this blog. It was to be an open honest account of the ups and downs of my journey after my husband's death. I wouldn't have anyone reading not know it's a huge challenge. There's joy in my life and pain. That's the honest truth.
I had to come to terms that I'm still really angry about what happened, about everything, the disease, the effects of the disease on Thomas and therefore our marriage, how I don't see myself the same anymore, how some of the encounters with him during those times, especially when he was heavily medicated really lowered my self-esteem, how I'm still a product of some of the negative things I went through.
I couldn't even cry...not more than shedding a few tears here and there. I could sit and get behind on laundry, let the house become disorganized, lose focus, but I couldn't let the emotion out even when I felt it coming. I told myself I had to be strong, that I couldn't let the children see me break down. I'm all they have left, I should keep it together. I could hear my my husband telling me how it wouldn't do any good to cry, how I shouldn't be that weak (yeah, I know).
After a while I got a bit fed up...angry really. As many times as I'd told people who asked about it that God can handle your anger and as many times as I'd told myself the same thing, and even heard it in my head when I would pray, I could not seem to make the step to say, "Yeah, I'm mad...I'm really mad. I'm mad at Thomas, I'm mad at me and yeah, I'm mad at You too cuz I know you love us and didn't cause what happened, but I also can't understand why I can't catch a break."
I mean my husband is dead. My children have NO father. But one thing I learned while Thomas was alive was that having a huge life weight doesn't mean you're immune from the challenges of life other people face. Thomas and I had his illness plus all of the normal issues married couples face and his illness left us without the tools a lot of couples use to deal with those issues. We did what we could. The fact that we're on a grief journey and my children have no father doesn't keep parenting challenges away. It doesn't keep house challenges away and it invites money issues...rolls the red carpet out for them it seems. I felt stuck, but the very real need to acknowledge what I had and have that is good usually would over-ride my urge to say..."CRAP!"
Then came a turning point for me. In church the message was about dealing with stuff that holds us back and how the first step was to admit it. At the end I went up for prayer. They pair you with someone hopefully in your category to pray with you. I could already feel the tears coming. I looked up and it was a friend, another single mom, 12 years my junior but one for which I have a lot of respect. She had her girls young but has made a good life for them. One is in Ariana's class at school, the other is a year behind them. She works her behind off, has her own home, goes to school, you get the idea.
She leaned in and asked, "Is there anything specific you want to pray about?" I started to lose it, but managed to say, "I'm really angry about what happened to my husband and my marriage." As she began to pray I began to sob. I realized my mood in the weeks leading up to this were the result of me putting God out to arm's length again. At a certain point a few months ago I had come to the conclusion that despite what had happened, the children and I could have a bright future. Now, I still believe that, but it appeared that as soon as I came to that conclusion some force decided to see what else could be thrown at me since I had the nerve to still believe I could have a life after my husband died...nice right?
When she finished praying, I only meant to give her a hug, but I was so far gone by then it turned into that gut wrenching, hardly able to catch your breath sobbing, I'd probably been needing to get out for nearly a year and a half. I felt so bad for her. By the end, she was crying almost as hard as I was. I realized my failure to reach out sufficiently. Finally finding that shoulder or rather letting it find me and "losing it" didn't make anything blow up.
Go figure.
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