Just another day in the Dawson house folks.
Thanks to a well-placed nail I had to go to Wal-Mart for a new tire about 3 weeks ago. The 4th Wednesday of the month so children's death benefit money had arrived. I had planned to get their spring/summer clothes that Saturday, but decided to do it while we waited. What an adventure trying to teach a little girl who loves clothes about budgeting while trying to keep a toddler who couldn't care less about clothes or money entertained while strapped in a shopping cart.
Shirts, shorts, tank tops and tunic/legging sets for Ariana. Shirts, shorts, and thin pants for Elijah and despite having a little girl whose motto is "If it's my size, put it in the cart" I managed to stay under budget on their clothes. Thanks to a previously purchased road hazard warranty, the new tire is just $10. So I concluded things were good. We grabbed dinner and got home, ate and proceeded with Ariana's homework.
That cycle goes as usual. “Do the next problem, Ariana.” “Come back here, Elijah.” “That’s not quite right, try again Ariana.” “Stop crying, here’s your milk, Elijah.” “Sound the word out on your own Ariana.” “Don’t pull your sister’s hair Elijah!” “What do you need to do next Ariana?” “Get away from the stairs Elijah.” That night he discovered he could climb into Ariana's miniature recliner on his own. It isn't enough to sit in it though. He stands up in it. So that night we added "Sit down Elijah!" and "Get down Elijah!" I took a few minutes to show him physically what to do in the chair and after some whining and puppy eyes, and a tumble, he understood. I’ll never be bored.
Then out of nowhere. "When are you getting married again? I want to have a dad again." Now this used to bother me a bit more than it does now. It actually started very early on, two whole days after his death. It was heartbreaking. However, hearing how other widowed parents have children 2 or 3 years older than Ariana telling them they will not accept a new person or the one line I read, "you can date when I move out" from an 11 year-old, it's not so bad. I couldn't think about it for a long time because of the pain. But I realize at the age of 38, I probably shouldn't make such a final decision. And since no one means more to me than my children, it probably helps that she's open to it. It's more than about her wanting a dad. She cares really. She feels bad Elijah would never know what it's like to have one. She also feels someone should be here to help me take care of her and her brother.
But there it was. "I want to have a dad again." And inside me, I say. If it were only as simple as going out and getting you one. I told her that it's possible I may get married again, but the 3 of us are a family and we'll be fine either way. Beyond saying within myself, "I don't think I want to be alone the rest of my life," I am not really ready yet. She is way too young to understand any of that. At 7 years of age her world is very black and white and I have to choose my words very carefully in discussing things with her that require visions of shades of gray.
I gave a long pause and shook my head. She asked me, "Are you going to cry again because I said the word daddy?" I tell you I had one really bad day...that she actually saw anyway. Our anniversary in February I just could not stop crying for a while after church. That was the first time she saw me cry since the funeral, but now she thinks I'm going to cry because she mentioned her father or wanting another one. I just told her there are some things that I have to get done before I will be ready to be with another person, but I wanted her to know no matter what we're a family and I'll do what is best for us. She had no more questions. I was surprised. This is the girl who if asked to retrieve some tissue from the bathroom asks the person how many squares they need.
In the time since that day, I've been "hit on" twice. I would not consider a future with either man. But I no longer cringe at the thought. Thomas was the only man I have ever loved. It is difficult to think of being with another person even after a year. But, I'm sure I want to be loved that way again and I'm sure I want my children to see me loved that way. I'm still a woman and everything about me that made me want to be married is still there. But being ready is a whole other story. I don't even feel like I fit in with single people yet. After 10 years on the other side, most of my friends are married couples. And in my relationships with the single people who have remained single as I have transitioned, there's this thing called motherhood that keeps me from fitting in with them.
So that leaves single parents. It's a process, as I am not sure the ones I know see me fitting in with them. They knew me as part of a couple. Some widows would agree. They have trouble being associated with single parents. They get upset if a form doesn't give them the option to select widowed as their status. I hear them say they don't want people thinking they got a divorce or had a child out of wedlock. And I had my own issues. I remember taking off my wedding band and thinking "What will the visitors in the Welcome Center at church think when they see me with my children, particularly my baby and no ring?"
Everyone is entitled to their opinion as to the differences in the lives of single (divorced or never married) parents versus the widowed parent. I think I'll just be mommy. I'll be Sonya. That way I don't have to worry about the title changing and I'll check what is available on the forms. For me, the harder part is putting in their father's name then having to leave every other question that pertains to him blank as he no longer has a phone number, address, work address, work phone number or cell phone number.
So, yes, widowhood is a different world. The pain is different. The parenting is a bit different. But what I see in the single mothers I know, no matter how she became that way is another woman busting her behind to do the best she can for her children. She may or may not get that break for a visitation weekend with the other parent. Either way she's pulling it together everyday, sometimes doing it with pain, but going ahead anyway. I could do worse than to be associated with women like that.
Still, if only getting another daddy/husband, a date, or even a good male friend was as simple as shopping at Wal-Mart was that day. He's our size mom, put him in the cart.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
13 Months Later, Hoping to Bloom in the Spring
That was the longest month it seemed, March 9, 2011 to April 9, 2011. It started out with me bringing Elijah home after a respiratory virus landed him in the hospital. He was discharged on the 1st anniversary of Thomas' passing. The other night I reflected on it and the past month has been pretty difficult emotionally.
Getting used to Elijah's medication routine has been an up and down process. But his pediatricians are doing what they can to keep him from getting sick like his dad was and I appreciate that. Sometimes he sits there with the mask on like he's way more mature than his age would indicate. I can have his sister sit with him and brush my teeth, even start the van. Others I have to sit next to him holding the mask to his face to stop him from removing it. Honestly it appears to depend on what is on TV. His favorite Disney Show, Agent Oso, usually keeps him still. Trouble has been it starts at 6:30am and the treatment takes a bit longer than 15 minutes, so I really need to start it at 6:20. But overall he's been good about it.
I think it is my commute that is wearing me down more than his reaction to his meds. It's 40 minutes most days and I'm rushing because if I don't get back to the school by 4:00 to get Ariana it will cost me $80 for afterschool care. Like I need that in my life. So I bust my behind to get there by 4:00. They grace me 10 minutes usually because they know she's leaving. But on Tuesdays she goes to Sylvan Learning Center. I enrolled her there for tutoring for reading/phonics. She has to be at the learning center by 4:30 and that is a mad dash or whatever you can call a mad dash across town in the afternoon here. A mad dash between stop lights is about the best I can describe it.
But she's continuing to improve and the people at Sylvan say she's doing what they expect. Her phonics grades have improved slightly and she continues to score A's on her spelling tests. Her attitude towards books is improving though it still takes some convincing to get her to read to us. Her teacher I believe was looking for more improvement than she's shown, but she didn't get to where she was overnight and won't come out of it overnight either. My goal was to have her where she needed to be by December and Sylvan believes that is very possible at the rate she attends. And at $50 an hour, 2 hours a week is all I can afford. It's looking like summer camp is going to be more than her school tuition, but it's the closest one to my house. Better get her signed up this week. *sigh*
But I found out that children who lose a parent often lose an entire year of school academically and have to catch up later. She's had a few disadvantages. I want to give her what she needs to overcome them. Not only did he die, but he died a little at a time. The parents on the widow board range from "don't have the energy to worry about it" to "going toe to toe with school counselors and administration" when it comes to academic progress of their elementary school children.
Elijah? Growing in a lot of ways. I don't know how tall he is, but I had him measured for shoes over the weekend and and he measured a 6.5 wide and required a size 7wide shoe to have room for growth. Not sure where these wide feet came from. Probably means he's going to be a little taller. They looked so big the sales lady and I wondered if he'd walk in them, that is until he darted across the shoe department and was almost at the perfume counter when I caught him. Lately I wonder what I'll do with him to work with his energy. He likes to climb and he disovered the other night that the chair next to his sister's bed makes a good stepping stool and can now climb up on to her bed, a bed that is higher off the ground than he is tall. When I picked him up today, his teachers told me he'd been in and out of the little chairs they sit in to eat all day. Thankfully it's getting warm and we'll be able to be outside more. He's always enjoyed being out, ever since I can remember. We're also doing baby signing which is really fun. The other day during lunch, I asked if he wanted more chicken and he signed "more" back to me. How cool is that?
Me? Well, after dealing with a lot of stuff last month, I'm working on a wholeness plan for us. I figure here in year 2, it is something we can work towards. I got us all Devotional books over the weekend during an afternoon of retail therapy and the last two nights I spent 10 minutes with each child doing a devotional and activity from each of their books. Last night's subject was the creation and how God made this earth for us. The 2nd night was about Adam and Eve. Ariana's lesson was about how God has great plans for us, intends for us to enjoy life and wants us to be like Him. Elijah's devotional was about obedience and at the end we talked about what is a "no-no" in the house. Elijah's book is for toddlers specifically and Ariana's is for girls ages 6-9. Mine is a devotional and journal combined and today's subject was relying on God for strength. I also renewed my gym membership and am checking the budget to see if I can take the children to the local "Little Gym" this summer. They closed the one closest to us, so it may be some other gym. So that is pretty much it.
I spent a lot of time the last 30 days dealing with a wide spectrum of emotions where Thomas is concerned. I spent some time arguing at him, not with him of course, asking him what he was thinking knowing I wasn't going to get an answer. I spent time trying to forget who we became as a couple over the last 4 years of his life, how it wasn't what we planned and couldn't have been what God had in mind. Then I just chose to deal with my feelings on it instead. In the end I know he didn't mean to hurt me and I didn't mean to hurt him. We were clueless as to how to see each other through what was happening and so wrapped up in fighting the illness and conditions he had, supporting each other emotionally through the turmoil it was causing fell by the wayside. Still, certain things miraculously smoothed out towards the end and we developed an understanding I can only credit God for us having.
I also don't know that we took the time to think about a possible end to us. Less then 3 weeks before he was promising me better times. Asking questions during less tense times out from under the constant emergencies gave me some direction as to how to proceed in the event of his passing, but in an effort not to bother him, I didn't seek his input nearly as often as I should have. I didn't want to make bad days worse or make a good day bad. I believe I did the best I knew how and I know he believed he did the best he knew how and that's going to have to be enough. He's gone. And a much as I might scream in my head, "WHY AREN'T YOU HERE TO HELP ME DANGIT!!" That won't change.
I feel blessed to have gotten to this point with a sound mind. The ups and downs and situations that go with chronic illness and widowhood are exhausting. My calm was an asset at times. My husband used to say he married the right woman because all hell could be breaking loose and you would not know it to look at me. He said it gave him comfort. He always required me to "woman up". 13 months ago, I stood in my living room and nursed my son under a blanket tossed over my shoulder while the police interviewed me as the coroner prepared him for transport.
Other times the calm has me misunderstood. It gives people the idea that I don't hurt, that I don't get frightened, that I'm some super woman. I'm not. And that misconception lead to days when events took a turn and people did and said things that added more grief where I didn't need any more. But it also added some sense of accomplishment as to how we've made it this far. My main issue has been exhaustion to the point of tears. Last week I wanted to quit my job it got so bad.
But thankfully common sense prevailed and I pray it will continue to do so. It seems that just at the moment where I think I'll lose it an unexplainable peace comes over me. I've been in survival mode. I've stayed in church and continued to learn, but I'll have to put more effort into spiritual development. I know it. Prayerfully that wholeness plan wil help us continue to grow and become the family we need to be. Well...that and the much needed vacation I have planned for the end of the month for my daughter's spring break.
Getting used to Elijah's medication routine has been an up and down process. But his pediatricians are doing what they can to keep him from getting sick like his dad was and I appreciate that. Sometimes he sits there with the mask on like he's way more mature than his age would indicate. I can have his sister sit with him and brush my teeth, even start the van. Others I have to sit next to him holding the mask to his face to stop him from removing it. Honestly it appears to depend on what is on TV. His favorite Disney Show, Agent Oso, usually keeps him still. Trouble has been it starts at 6:30am and the treatment takes a bit longer than 15 minutes, so I really need to start it at 6:20. But overall he's been good about it.
I think it is my commute that is wearing me down more than his reaction to his meds. It's 40 minutes most days and I'm rushing because if I don't get back to the school by 4:00 to get Ariana it will cost me $80 for afterschool care. Like I need that in my life. So I bust my behind to get there by 4:00. They grace me 10 minutes usually because they know she's leaving. But on Tuesdays she goes to Sylvan Learning Center. I enrolled her there for tutoring for reading/phonics. She has to be at the learning center by 4:30 and that is a mad dash or whatever you can call a mad dash across town in the afternoon here. A mad dash between stop lights is about the best I can describe it.
But she's continuing to improve and the people at Sylvan say she's doing what they expect. Her phonics grades have improved slightly and she continues to score A's on her spelling tests. Her attitude towards books is improving though it still takes some convincing to get her to read to us. Her teacher I believe was looking for more improvement than she's shown, but she didn't get to where she was overnight and won't come out of it overnight either. My goal was to have her where she needed to be by December and Sylvan believes that is very possible at the rate she attends. And at $50 an hour, 2 hours a week is all I can afford. It's looking like summer camp is going to be more than her school tuition, but it's the closest one to my house. Better get her signed up this week. *sigh*
But I found out that children who lose a parent often lose an entire year of school academically and have to catch up later. She's had a few disadvantages. I want to give her what she needs to overcome them. Not only did he die, but he died a little at a time. The parents on the widow board range from "don't have the energy to worry about it" to "going toe to toe with school counselors and administration" when it comes to academic progress of their elementary school children.
Elijah? Growing in a lot of ways. I don't know how tall he is, but I had him measured for shoes over the weekend and and he measured a 6.5 wide and required a size 7wide shoe to have room for growth. Not sure where these wide feet came from. Probably means he's going to be a little taller. They looked so big the sales lady and I wondered if he'd walk in them, that is until he darted across the shoe department and was almost at the perfume counter when I caught him. Lately I wonder what I'll do with him to work with his energy. He likes to climb and he disovered the other night that the chair next to his sister's bed makes a good stepping stool and can now climb up on to her bed, a bed that is higher off the ground than he is tall. When I picked him up today, his teachers told me he'd been in and out of the little chairs they sit in to eat all day. Thankfully it's getting warm and we'll be able to be outside more. He's always enjoyed being out, ever since I can remember. We're also doing baby signing which is really fun. The other day during lunch, I asked if he wanted more chicken and he signed "more" back to me. How cool is that?
Me? Well, after dealing with a lot of stuff last month, I'm working on a wholeness plan for us. I figure here in year 2, it is something we can work towards. I got us all Devotional books over the weekend during an afternoon of retail therapy and the last two nights I spent 10 minutes with each child doing a devotional and activity from each of their books. Last night's subject was the creation and how God made this earth for us. The 2nd night was about Adam and Eve. Ariana's lesson was about how God has great plans for us, intends for us to enjoy life and wants us to be like Him. Elijah's devotional was about obedience and at the end we talked about what is a "no-no" in the house. Elijah's book is for toddlers specifically and Ariana's is for girls ages 6-9. Mine is a devotional and journal combined and today's subject was relying on God for strength. I also renewed my gym membership and am checking the budget to see if I can take the children to the local "Little Gym" this summer. They closed the one closest to us, so it may be some other gym. So that is pretty much it.
I spent a lot of time the last 30 days dealing with a wide spectrum of emotions where Thomas is concerned. I spent some time arguing at him, not with him of course, asking him what he was thinking knowing I wasn't going to get an answer. I spent time trying to forget who we became as a couple over the last 4 years of his life, how it wasn't what we planned and couldn't have been what God had in mind. Then I just chose to deal with my feelings on it instead. In the end I know he didn't mean to hurt me and I didn't mean to hurt him. We were clueless as to how to see each other through what was happening and so wrapped up in fighting the illness and conditions he had, supporting each other emotionally through the turmoil it was causing fell by the wayside. Still, certain things miraculously smoothed out towards the end and we developed an understanding I can only credit God for us having.
I also don't know that we took the time to think about a possible end to us. Less then 3 weeks before he was promising me better times. Asking questions during less tense times out from under the constant emergencies gave me some direction as to how to proceed in the event of his passing, but in an effort not to bother him, I didn't seek his input nearly as often as I should have. I didn't want to make bad days worse or make a good day bad. I believe I did the best I knew how and I know he believed he did the best he knew how and that's going to have to be enough. He's gone. And a much as I might scream in my head, "WHY AREN'T YOU HERE TO HELP ME DANGIT!!" That won't change.
I feel blessed to have gotten to this point with a sound mind. The ups and downs and situations that go with chronic illness and widowhood are exhausting. My calm was an asset at times. My husband used to say he married the right woman because all hell could be breaking loose and you would not know it to look at me. He said it gave him comfort. He always required me to "woman up". 13 months ago, I stood in my living room and nursed my son under a blanket tossed over my shoulder while the police interviewed me as the coroner prepared him for transport.
Other times the calm has me misunderstood. It gives people the idea that I don't hurt, that I don't get frightened, that I'm some super woman. I'm not. And that misconception lead to days when events took a turn and people did and said things that added more grief where I didn't need any more. But it also added some sense of accomplishment as to how we've made it this far. My main issue has been exhaustion to the point of tears. Last week I wanted to quit my job it got so bad.
But thankfully common sense prevailed and I pray it will continue to do so. It seems that just at the moment where I think I'll lose it an unexplainable peace comes over me. I've been in survival mode. I've stayed in church and continued to learn, but I'll have to put more effort into spiritual development. I know it. Prayerfully that wholeness plan wil help us continue to grow and become the family we need to be. Well...that and the much needed vacation I have planned for the end of the month for my daughter's spring break.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The Cat Came Back
Some weeks ago a cat showed up at our house. He looks like he belongs to someone. You can tell he'd spent a lot of time around people because he came right up to us. He even tried doing a trick to impress me (rolled over).
He looked clean like he only goes outside occassionally, but had no collar. I went on about my business, but the cat stayed around for days, even jumped in our van when I was unloading the groceries one evening. I didn't know it until I went to start it the next morning and he was in there. Found his hairs on something that belonged to my son. He'd obviously slept in there.
Another morning while I was loading the children he jumped in the van. Elijah didn't notice. Ariana squealed. I put him out. He didn't even show his claws. I was already concerned with the temperatures, but became more concerned about a clawless cat being outside. I figured I'd post pictures of him around the neighborhood though I feared he belonged to the neighbors who had moved as he spent a lot of time around that house meowing really loudly. I got him a bowl and some food to feed him until someone called for him.
Naturally Ariana wanted to keep him, and says, daddy isn't here, can we keep him. I'd told her we couldn't have a pet because the hair would make her father sick. But honestly having a pet and really caring for them is almost like having another child. If I didn't know it, I sure know it after reading of others' experiences with pets. But I did some dog sitting while in college and I remember the instructions having the amount of detail I give my sitter now. I also had a roommate who had a dog. I really don't feel I could take care of a pet and not knowing this one's history and with us having lost my husband, I said no.
Well, the day we brought the food home the cat was nowhere to be found. After 3 days I figured his owners had him. I hoped they did anyway. I tossed the food and bowl. We finished up December, went through Christmas and New Years, Elijah's birthday, went on with life.That brings me to yesterday.
He's back. I couldn't believe it. And it is definitely the same cat. He ran right up to me while I was taking Elijah into the house. Knowing his speed, I pointed for him to leave before opening the door and he ran back down into the yard. I know if he got into the house, I'd never get him out. Only thing was once I closed the glass door he came right back up the steps and he sat on the porch meowing loud enough for me to hear him from inside. I thought, "Great, he's hungry." Went upstairs, could still hear it.
What do I do? The one thing they say you shouldn't do if you don't want an animal attached to you. I fed him. Like I said, I'd tossed the cat food I bought, but I like tuna salad and tuna casserole, so I had several cans of tuna in the cabinet. I opened one can of tuna and put it on a paper towel and put some water in a bowl. He was still there when I opened the front door. He followed me all the way to the corner of the house until I put the stuff down. He acted as if he hadn't eaten in quite a while.
He was right there when we came out this morning and had eaten every single drop of the tuna. Ariana ran around like she was scared of him, but he jumped around like he was playing with her. He was sitting over by my husband's car when we left. I guess if he's there when we get home that will be another can of tuna to go. Cheaper than the cat food for sure, especially since I don't know how long he'll be around. The children's Godfather fed a cat though and he's stayed outside their house for several months so far. All they do is feed him and he just hangs out in the back yard. They have named him Midnight because of his fur.
He's really cute, but Ugh! Do I need this? Perhaps someone thinks I do.
He looked clean like he only goes outside occassionally, but had no collar. I went on about my business, but the cat stayed around for days, even jumped in our van when I was unloading the groceries one evening. I didn't know it until I went to start it the next morning and he was in there. Found his hairs on something that belonged to my son. He'd obviously slept in there.
Another morning while I was loading the children he jumped in the van. Elijah didn't notice. Ariana squealed. I put him out. He didn't even show his claws. I was already concerned with the temperatures, but became more concerned about a clawless cat being outside. I figured I'd post pictures of him around the neighborhood though I feared he belonged to the neighbors who had moved as he spent a lot of time around that house meowing really loudly. I got him a bowl and some food to feed him until someone called for him.
Naturally Ariana wanted to keep him, and says, daddy isn't here, can we keep him. I'd told her we couldn't have a pet because the hair would make her father sick. But honestly having a pet and really caring for them is almost like having another child. If I didn't know it, I sure know it after reading of others' experiences with pets. But I did some dog sitting while in college and I remember the instructions having the amount of detail I give my sitter now. I also had a roommate who had a dog. I really don't feel I could take care of a pet and not knowing this one's history and with us having lost my husband, I said no.
Well, the day we brought the food home the cat was nowhere to be found. After 3 days I figured his owners had him. I hoped they did anyway. I tossed the food and bowl. We finished up December, went through Christmas and New Years, Elijah's birthday, went on with life.That brings me to yesterday.
He's back. I couldn't believe it. And it is definitely the same cat. He ran right up to me while I was taking Elijah into the house. Knowing his speed, I pointed for him to leave before opening the door and he ran back down into the yard. I know if he got into the house, I'd never get him out. Only thing was once I closed the glass door he came right back up the steps and he sat on the porch meowing loud enough for me to hear him from inside. I thought, "Great, he's hungry." Went upstairs, could still hear it.
What do I do? The one thing they say you shouldn't do if you don't want an animal attached to you. I fed him. Like I said, I'd tossed the cat food I bought, but I like tuna salad and tuna casserole, so I had several cans of tuna in the cabinet. I opened one can of tuna and put it on a paper towel and put some water in a bowl. He was still there when I opened the front door. He followed me all the way to the corner of the house until I put the stuff down. He acted as if he hadn't eaten in quite a while.
He was right there when we came out this morning and had eaten every single drop of the tuna. Ariana ran around like she was scared of him, but he jumped around like he was playing with her. He was sitting over by my husband's car when we left. I guess if he's there when we get home that will be another can of tuna to go. Cheaper than the cat food for sure, especially since I don't know how long he'll be around. The children's Godfather fed a cat though and he's stayed outside their house for several months so far. All they do is feed him and he just hangs out in the back yard. They have named him Midnight because of his fur.
He's really cute, but Ugh! Do I need this? Perhaps someone thinks I do.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Taking the Bitter with the Sweet: My Baby is Walking
He started walking on Sunday after church. He seemed to have no desire to walk without holding on to something or someone even if it was just a finger.
But when we got home from church, I stood him on the floor 2 feet in front of me and reached out for him. He walked right to me. I couldn't believe it. I barely remembered the pediatrician's advice not to react to avoid distracting or scaring him because I just wasn't expecting him to just walk right over to me like he did. But he did...grinning the whole 5 steps. He probably took about 12 steps that evening.
Then the next morning he walked to the carpet at daycare after I took off his coat. His teacher couldn't believe it. She was both happy and sad as walking was his last task to begin before moving to the 1 year-old class. The daycare director told me 2 weeks before Christmas that they wanted to move him right after the Christmas break on January 3rd. I wanted more time to prepare him. At that point he had just weaned off the breast, was still taking formula from a bottle and couldn't take it cold, was still on baby food and of course was not walking. In the 1 year-old room, they eat table food, drink whole milk cold from sippy cups and most of them walk. I told them I would work to get him ready as I understood he'd be 1 a week after the break and they had a wait list of babies. Elijah was one of several that would be moving. Plus, they'd be holding a spot for him in the 1 year-old room.
He accomplished a lot. I started mixing whole milk with his formula and giving more cups than bottles and by Christmas, he was down to 1 bottle a day, that he took before bed and eating quite a bit of table food. By New Year's, he was on the whole milk and eating table food for lunch and dinner. Missed a week with his ear infection right after his birthday, but I kept him on his new routine. He eventually progressed to taking the milk cold a few days ago.
Then he walked. When I went to pick him up yesterday afternoon, they'd taken him over to the 1 year-old room for a visit and he was happy, playing with some of his older friends who had moved over after the break.
He walked a bit more that afternoon. I'm proud of him. He's accomplished a lot and he did really well at his checkup on Thursday. I'm beginning to think there'll be bitter with a lot of sweet moments. I thought of his father. I will likely think of him at every significant milestone. So many of those ahead. *sigh*
My daughter is growing into a little beauty. She's an honor roll student, a loving little girl and amonth other things, the cutest little cheerleader...*sigh*
He's missing it all. I'll never know why my husband went when he did, leaving among other things and people, four children and me with, both of these tiny children. There were other times before I had our son that I thought I might lose him, though I never said so. He almost had me convinced he would just keep on going. I can only hope it was for the best and I can say, I like my life with the children. Still at times, I have a bittersweet moment looking at them knowing he cannot. I bust my behind to give them a home and a life where they can thrive and be happy, and I lament, their father can't see them. I watch boys at various tourist attractions yelling "Daddy look at this" and realize I won't get to hear my son say that.
God is a healer though. I'm feeling better about myself than I have in years and dressing and carrying myself the way Thomas actually wanted me to, but I think often of how he isn't here to see it. But he suffered so and the effect on me emotionally came out in my natural appearance and in my actions, reactions and non-actions. I didn't want to be pretty anymore. I didn't care if I was because this thing had taken over our relationship. It had taken the bright light I married long ago and taken a lot of me with it. Sure wish things had gone differently. I miss Thomas. I miss him everyday. I still look at the door and shake my head at the knowledge he isn't coming back. Actually a little more now than a few months ago, but I have a good life with the children built on the foundation he left. And I'm genuinely excited about our future.
But I realize there are some days coming. On top of just having gone through Elijah's birthday on January 9th, what would have been our 11th wedding anniversary is next month on February 20th. It's the first one since his death. He died 17 days after the last one. The 1st anniversary of his death is the next month on March 9th. Ariana's birthday is the next month on April 28th-her second one since his passing.
It's just an exciting time in both children's lives and it's not easy to keep up with it all, that's for sure. And there's no dad here...or across town...or across the state...or across the country...or on the other side of the world.
I think I'm kind of wearied at the moment of our accomplishments being sprinkled with sadness. But I guess I have to take it all in the mixed bag it comes in each day and be thankful I'm here to feel it.
But when we got home from church, I stood him on the floor 2 feet in front of me and reached out for him. He walked right to me. I couldn't believe it. I barely remembered the pediatrician's advice not to react to avoid distracting or scaring him because I just wasn't expecting him to just walk right over to me like he did. But he did...grinning the whole 5 steps. He probably took about 12 steps that evening.
Then the next morning he walked to the carpet at daycare after I took off his coat. His teacher couldn't believe it. She was both happy and sad as walking was his last task to begin before moving to the 1 year-old class. The daycare director told me 2 weeks before Christmas that they wanted to move him right after the Christmas break on January 3rd. I wanted more time to prepare him. At that point he had just weaned off the breast, was still taking formula from a bottle and couldn't take it cold, was still on baby food and of course was not walking. In the 1 year-old room, they eat table food, drink whole milk cold from sippy cups and most of them walk. I told them I would work to get him ready as I understood he'd be 1 a week after the break and they had a wait list of babies. Elijah was one of several that would be moving. Plus, they'd be holding a spot for him in the 1 year-old room.
He accomplished a lot. I started mixing whole milk with his formula and giving more cups than bottles and by Christmas, he was down to 1 bottle a day, that he took before bed and eating quite a bit of table food. By New Year's, he was on the whole milk and eating table food for lunch and dinner. Missed a week with his ear infection right after his birthday, but I kept him on his new routine. He eventually progressed to taking the milk cold a few days ago.
Then he walked. When I went to pick him up yesterday afternoon, they'd taken him over to the 1 year-old room for a visit and he was happy, playing with some of his older friends who had moved over after the break.
He walked a bit more that afternoon. I'm proud of him. He's accomplished a lot and he did really well at his checkup on Thursday. I'm beginning to think there'll be bitter with a lot of sweet moments. I thought of his father. I will likely think of him at every significant milestone. So many of those ahead. *sigh*
My daughter is growing into a little beauty. She's an honor roll student, a loving little girl and amonth other things, the cutest little cheerleader...*sigh*
He's missing it all. I'll never know why my husband went when he did, leaving among other things and people, four children and me with, both of these tiny children. There were other times before I had our son that I thought I might lose him, though I never said so. He almost had me convinced he would just keep on going. I can only hope it was for the best and I can say, I like my life with the children. Still at times, I have a bittersweet moment looking at them knowing he cannot. I bust my behind to give them a home and a life where they can thrive and be happy, and I lament, their father can't see them. I watch boys at various tourist attractions yelling "Daddy look at this" and realize I won't get to hear my son say that.
God is a healer though. I'm feeling better about myself than I have in years and dressing and carrying myself the way Thomas actually wanted me to, but I think often of how he isn't here to see it. But he suffered so and the effect on me emotionally came out in my natural appearance and in my actions, reactions and non-actions. I didn't want to be pretty anymore. I didn't care if I was because this thing had taken over our relationship. It had taken the bright light I married long ago and taken a lot of me with it. Sure wish things had gone differently. I miss Thomas. I miss him everyday. I still look at the door and shake my head at the knowledge he isn't coming back. Actually a little more now than a few months ago, but I have a good life with the children built on the foundation he left. And I'm genuinely excited about our future.
But I realize there are some days coming. On top of just having gone through Elijah's birthday on January 9th, what would have been our 11th wedding anniversary is next month on February 20th. It's the first one since his death. He died 17 days after the last one. The 1st anniversary of his death is the next month on March 9th. Ariana's birthday is the next month on April 28th-her second one since his passing.
It's just an exciting time in both children's lives and it's not easy to keep up with it all, that's for sure. And there's no dad here...or across town...or across the state...or across the country...or on the other side of the world.
I think I'm kind of wearied at the moment of our accomplishments being sprinkled with sadness. But I guess I have to take it all in the mixed bag it comes in each day and be thankful I'm here to feel it.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The 7th and the 8th were good days-The 9th of the month...Not So Much
Same mixed bag as last month and the month before that.
Saturday was good. I took the children and went out to take advantage of the tax free weekend and sales that were going on. We're getting ready for autumn and school. Elijah needed some baby stuff he constantly needs, but he needed a light jacket and some short-sleeved shirts in his current size (6-9 months) to wear with the jeans I had bought. Ariana needed shoes for school, some additional uniform pieces and some shirts for Autumn.
JC Penney was the spot it seemed. Lots of people around. They had a serious clearance going and an instant coupon $10 or $15 off depending on what you spend. I found Ariana two pairs of shoes marked 50% off and found the shirts I needed for Elijah marked down to $3 and found 8 in his size. Got the rest of what I needed from Children's Place where I had a coupon for 30% my purchase and everything I needed was 25% off. We took a spin on the Mall's merry go round and headed home.
Once home, I took some time to prepare Ariana and me for the parent/child reading class we are taking. There is homework every week with a workbook and an audio CD. Plus we practice with 2 books a week. It's been a neat experience sitting in class with her. It is going way better than just a week ago. I went out and got some books with her favorite cartoon characters in them and it was like a lightbulb came on.
Sunday we had to be at church early (8:45am) for a training. We actually got there 10 minutes early and Elijah was quiet and sat in his seat the entire class. Church was good and the message was very encouraging…one of those that makes you feel like you really can attack your issues and even though you may not succeed the first time, it doesn't mean you're a failure. My pastor has a way of stroking you and giving you a good kick in the rear at the same time.
Then off to reading class and whereas last week, Ariana was constantly turning around in her chair and totally unfocused, this week she was excited. We went in with her telling me how grateful she was that I sit in class with her and during class she was really trying and she raised her hand to answer questions…you know with that "Ooo Ooo pick me pick me" wave you did in school when you just knew you had the answer. Class went well overall even though she faded out the last 10 minutes, but I think a lot of them did. They get a break to use the bathroom, but it is a 2 hour class.
Drove by the Godparents' house to pick up Elijah and headed home. Elijah was ready for dinner. He ate all his Gerber carrots and half a container of Gerber Applesauce. He's really good at sitting up now. I marveled at Elijah that night on the floor. He manages to get a long ways just by rolling over, but he is also trying to get up on all fours. He had his belly over and inch off the floor and he got up on his knees and even got up on his toes. My eyes must have widened to the size of golf balls as I realized I have yet to complete baby proofing the house and this child is obviously thinking about crawling.
I hoped the 9th of the month would gradually be more about Elijah being a month older than about the day Thomas "left". Perhaps I just need to be more patient. The night of the 8th as we settled the thoughts invaded. That day Thomas died and the days leading up to it, came back to me clearer than they ever had. I tried to focus on how peaceful Thomas looked when I found him, but I kept remembering the coolness of his skin when I touched him, how I desparately wanted him to respond and the moment I had to accept that he wasn't going to and unless it was on tape, I'd never hear his voice again.
I still remember the relief I felt that he was no longer going to suffer and that relief is still very much present in my daily life. But on the 9th after having 2 good days, I felt like I had 50lbs of extra weight to carry around. I jumped out of bed to turn off the alarm before it woke Elijah (I have the clock across the room so I don't go back to sleep) and as soon as I turned it off I felt like I had 3 bricks on my chest.
I even had trouble deciding what Elijah was going to wear. I mean really…I had trouble dressing the one person in the house who doesn't care about clothes. The first thing I put on was too small. Then I got a shirt that fit, but the shorts were too small. Then I grabbed another outfit that I have in 2 sizes, but grabbed the smaller size. I ended up putting him in some cover-alls with a shirt that looked fine but wasn't the shirt that came with them. Finally without trouble, I put his socks and shoes on. Found some cute little sneakers for $4 on Saturday…perfect for the one reason Elijah wears shoes…to avoid losing socks.
I had to wake Ariana up 3 times before she got herself dressed. Yes, I woke her up, pointed her in the direction of her clothes, went back 5 minutes later to find her asleep TWO TIMES! We finally got out of the house at 7:15, 15 minutes later than the goal. Great way to start off what will be a very busy week.
August 9th meant Elijah is 7 months old and with all he is accomplishing I hoped to really focus on that. This is still so strange. Thomas was sick for a long time, but when the end came it happened so fast and so soon after Elijah was born, it was almost like they switched places in the house, like Elijah said, "I'm here dad, you can go now." Sunday in church Elijah sat in my lap, alert and happy, and appeared totally focused on pastor as he spoke, rocking and bobbing his little head, just like his dad used to and as I listened to the message I absorbed it, but realized I was in Thomas' seat and began to actually feel him there.
Now having Elijah and Ariana together is like a long time dream come true for me, one I thought the illness had stolen and sometimes I feel like God said, before he (Thomas) goes, I want to give you this dream back…here's your son…here's a brother for your little girl. She won't grow up with the loneliness you did…you can breathe. I have siblings, from a relationship my father had before my mother and one he had after her, but grew up as an only child. My daughter has siblings, from my husband's first marriage but without Elijah would grow up as an only child. I know having Elijah has made this process a lot easier on Ariana and me. He brings an element of life and hope to the house that just wouldn't be there. And I just really love having a baby again. I even appreciate our middle of the night nursing session because of the closeness I feel with him when he's nursing.
I guess I just need to be more patient because the first year with a new baby is a huge adjustment. Getting into being a widow is a huge adjustment and I'm doing both simultaneously. The last 2 months have seemed the hardest, I just look at Elijah and I can't believe he's here and his father is gone.
I turned my head for a second and a wind blew in and changed everything. With Thomas' illness I lived everyday with the fact that on any given day our world could flip around on it's ear, but the little stinker almost had me convinced he'd just keep on going-something that both frightened me and instilled an admiration of him in me.
I was really in awe of him. I tried to tell him in different ways, but am not sure I ever got it across amidst the frustration I felt. He often said he was tired of it all and wanted it over, but I'll admit he surprised me when he actually died. But he's really gone. Everyday I come home and it is just the children and me it is more and more real. Each week he gets less and less mail and fewer and fewer phone calls. After carrying around a card with his name on it for 10 years, I now have the new Health insurance cards with my name on them.
Thomas is 5 months gone and Elijah is 7 months old. Some days like Sunday when I walked into that training 10 minutes early, I think I'm doing really well. Other days like Monday, I have to remember to breathe.
One thing somehow never changes though. I still really believe I can do this.
I know that is in large part to the support I have gotten. Those people know who they are. Thank God for them.
Saturday was good. I took the children and went out to take advantage of the tax free weekend and sales that were going on. We're getting ready for autumn and school. Elijah needed some baby stuff he constantly needs, but he needed a light jacket and some short-sleeved shirts in his current size (6-9 months) to wear with the jeans I had bought. Ariana needed shoes for school, some additional uniform pieces and some shirts for Autumn.
JC Penney was the spot it seemed. Lots of people around. They had a serious clearance going and an instant coupon $10 or $15 off depending on what you spend. I found Ariana two pairs of shoes marked 50% off and found the shirts I needed for Elijah marked down to $3 and found 8 in his size. Got the rest of what I needed from Children's Place where I had a coupon for 30% my purchase and everything I needed was 25% off. We took a spin on the Mall's merry go round and headed home.
Once home, I took some time to prepare Ariana and me for the parent/child reading class we are taking. There is homework every week with a workbook and an audio CD. Plus we practice with 2 books a week. It's been a neat experience sitting in class with her. It is going way better than just a week ago. I went out and got some books with her favorite cartoon characters in them and it was like a lightbulb came on.
Sunday we had to be at church early (8:45am) for a training. We actually got there 10 minutes early and Elijah was quiet and sat in his seat the entire class. Church was good and the message was very encouraging…one of those that makes you feel like you really can attack your issues and even though you may not succeed the first time, it doesn't mean you're a failure. My pastor has a way of stroking you and giving you a good kick in the rear at the same time.
Then off to reading class and whereas last week, Ariana was constantly turning around in her chair and totally unfocused, this week she was excited. We went in with her telling me how grateful she was that I sit in class with her and during class she was really trying and she raised her hand to answer questions…you know with that "Ooo Ooo pick me pick me" wave you did in school when you just knew you had the answer. Class went well overall even though she faded out the last 10 minutes, but I think a lot of them did. They get a break to use the bathroom, but it is a 2 hour class.
Drove by the Godparents' house to pick up Elijah and headed home. Elijah was ready for dinner. He ate all his Gerber carrots and half a container of Gerber Applesauce. He's really good at sitting up now. I marveled at Elijah that night on the floor. He manages to get a long ways just by rolling over, but he is also trying to get up on all fours. He had his belly over and inch off the floor and he got up on his knees and even got up on his toes. My eyes must have widened to the size of golf balls as I realized I have yet to complete baby proofing the house and this child is obviously thinking about crawling.
I hoped the 9th of the month would gradually be more about Elijah being a month older than about the day Thomas "left". Perhaps I just need to be more patient. The night of the 8th as we settled the thoughts invaded. That day Thomas died and the days leading up to it, came back to me clearer than they ever had. I tried to focus on how peaceful Thomas looked when I found him, but I kept remembering the coolness of his skin when I touched him, how I desparately wanted him to respond and the moment I had to accept that he wasn't going to and unless it was on tape, I'd never hear his voice again.
I still remember the relief I felt that he was no longer going to suffer and that relief is still very much present in my daily life. But on the 9th after having 2 good days, I felt like I had 50lbs of extra weight to carry around. I jumped out of bed to turn off the alarm before it woke Elijah (I have the clock across the room so I don't go back to sleep) and as soon as I turned it off I felt like I had 3 bricks on my chest.
I even had trouble deciding what Elijah was going to wear. I mean really…I had trouble dressing the one person in the house who doesn't care about clothes. The first thing I put on was too small. Then I got a shirt that fit, but the shorts were too small. Then I grabbed another outfit that I have in 2 sizes, but grabbed the smaller size. I ended up putting him in some cover-alls with a shirt that looked fine but wasn't the shirt that came with them. Finally without trouble, I put his socks and shoes on. Found some cute little sneakers for $4 on Saturday…perfect for the one reason Elijah wears shoes…to avoid losing socks.
I had to wake Ariana up 3 times before she got herself dressed. Yes, I woke her up, pointed her in the direction of her clothes, went back 5 minutes later to find her asleep TWO TIMES! We finally got out of the house at 7:15, 15 minutes later than the goal. Great way to start off what will be a very busy week.
August 9th meant Elijah is 7 months old and with all he is accomplishing I hoped to really focus on that. This is still so strange. Thomas was sick for a long time, but when the end came it happened so fast and so soon after Elijah was born, it was almost like they switched places in the house, like Elijah said, "I'm here dad, you can go now." Sunday in church Elijah sat in my lap, alert and happy, and appeared totally focused on pastor as he spoke, rocking and bobbing his little head, just like his dad used to and as I listened to the message I absorbed it, but realized I was in Thomas' seat and began to actually feel him there.
Now having Elijah and Ariana together is like a long time dream come true for me, one I thought the illness had stolen and sometimes I feel like God said, before he (Thomas) goes, I want to give you this dream back…here's your son…here's a brother for your little girl. She won't grow up with the loneliness you did…you can breathe. I have siblings, from a relationship my father had before my mother and one he had after her, but grew up as an only child. My daughter has siblings, from my husband's first marriage but without Elijah would grow up as an only child. I know having Elijah has made this process a lot easier on Ariana and me. He brings an element of life and hope to the house that just wouldn't be there. And I just really love having a baby again. I even appreciate our middle of the night nursing session because of the closeness I feel with him when he's nursing.
I guess I just need to be more patient because the first year with a new baby is a huge adjustment. Getting into being a widow is a huge adjustment and I'm doing both simultaneously. The last 2 months have seemed the hardest, I just look at Elijah and I can't believe he's here and his father is gone.
I turned my head for a second and a wind blew in and changed everything. With Thomas' illness I lived everyday with the fact that on any given day our world could flip around on it's ear, but the little stinker almost had me convinced he'd just keep on going-something that both frightened me and instilled an admiration of him in me.
I was really in awe of him. I tried to tell him in different ways, but am not sure I ever got it across amidst the frustration I felt. He often said he was tired of it all and wanted it over, but I'll admit he surprised me when he actually died. But he's really gone. Everyday I come home and it is just the children and me it is more and more real. Each week he gets less and less mail and fewer and fewer phone calls. After carrying around a card with his name on it for 10 years, I now have the new Health insurance cards with my name on them.
Thomas is 5 months gone and Elijah is 7 months old. Some days like Sunday when I walked into that training 10 minutes early, I think I'm doing really well. Other days like Monday, I have to remember to breathe.
One thing somehow never changes though. I still really believe I can do this.
I know that is in large part to the support I have gotten. Those people know who they are. Thank God for them.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Miracles and sadness: the mixed bag of my widowhood part 2
I had to get 4 new tires for the minivan yesterday. I never had to replace all 4 tires at once. For budget's sake I tried to keep myself in a place where I never had to do more than 2 at once. I guess the van's previous owner did things differently because they all wore down at the same time. I was going to wait until Saturday, but looked Tuesday morning and saw threads exposed on one of them.
It's amazing what makes you miss somebody. Most of the wives I know didn't have to take their own cars to the shop. Yeah, I know some spoiled women, but I ain't mad at them. I always took my own vehicle in, but Thomas would have offered some opinion on what tire to get, then examined the receipt and filed it after he looked at them to see how they looked and cleaned the hubcaps where the workers got them dirty.
As the tire tech advised me to keep the paperwork in the van so I would have proof that I had purchased the road hazard warranty and life time rotation and balance, I imagined he actually cared and wasn't just giving me a spill as part of his job. Still, I remembered there wasn't anyone at home to make sure I'd made a wise decision. I didn't get the most expensive tire, but I didn't get the cheapest tire. Thankfully my minivan takes the same size tire as my old car did, so I kind of had stored up advice on what to do.
Went to Wal-Mart like always.
4 new tires…GoodYear 60,000 mile tires
Road Hazard warranty for all 4
Lifetime Rotation and Balance for all 4
New Valve System for all 4
$391.00
And while it's one of those times I'm grateful I had to do most stuff myself, because I had a decent amount of confidence in my purchase, it also brought on a serious grief response.
I find my sadness is triggered by the small things. The children grow and change and no one reacts to them like he did. A lot of people love them and love them deeply, but as many people who comment on the fact that I still breastfeed, I miss Thomas teasing Elijah telling him to "lay off the breastmilk".
Still in the wake of the difficulties, God is taking amazingly good care of us. I am beginning to see my way in this new life. It's a process, but I'm trying to be patient with myself. That isn't always easy especially with young children who are developing and changing so quickly.
Chief cook and bottle washer that's me. I'm in a summer reading enrichment class with Ariana which is teaching me all kinds of things about her and about me. Adding chores to her list every couple of weeks trying to teach her that families help each other and how important she is to our success. She took a liking to our Dirt Devil Minivac, so much so that she sharpened her pencil over the carpet just to have an excuse to use it. I figured she was ready for a new chore. I told her if she liked that thing so much to hit the stairs with it-one less thing for me. I guess the lesson is sinking in. Today I picked up pizza on the way home. I took Elijah and my bag out of the van and planned to go back for the pizza. I turned around and Ariana had closed the van door and had the pizza in her tiny hands heading for the house. In my head, "what if she drops it?" "What if she sees a bug...she'll throw it and run." I stayed calm and told her to be careful. When she got inside she said, "I just don't want you to have to go back and forth." Wow.
I'm helping Elijah sit up on his own and develop his strength during tummy time, an activity he protests more than enjoys. The introduction of solid foods makes things interesting watching every part and poop praying he isn't allergic to anything. He likes food...not a surprise and he's growing like crazy. So far he's only allergic to scented baby wipes and it's more of a sensitivity. He also requires Aveeno baby lotion to stay moisturized. Inherited his father's sensitive skin, but has his beautiful complexion as well. I adore that little boy. Sometimes I still can't believe he's here. I wish his father could see him now. I wish he could see them both. We talked in detail about how they should be raised. I just move ahead and when I'm down and feel an unexpected push from somewhere, I know it's all those prayers he prayed for me. Towards the end he just mostly prayed...worked and prayed and both of those things are helping me. I'm glad I never failed to tell him I appreciated it.
It's amazing what makes you miss somebody. Most of the wives I know didn't have to take their own cars to the shop. Yeah, I know some spoiled women, but I ain't mad at them. I always took my own vehicle in, but Thomas would have offered some opinion on what tire to get, then examined the receipt and filed it after he looked at them to see how they looked and cleaned the hubcaps where the workers got them dirty.
As the tire tech advised me to keep the paperwork in the van so I would have proof that I had purchased the road hazard warranty and life time rotation and balance, I imagined he actually cared and wasn't just giving me a spill as part of his job. Still, I remembered there wasn't anyone at home to make sure I'd made a wise decision. I didn't get the most expensive tire, but I didn't get the cheapest tire. Thankfully my minivan takes the same size tire as my old car did, so I kind of had stored up advice on what to do.
Went to Wal-Mart like always.
4 new tires…GoodYear 60,000 mile tires
Road Hazard warranty for all 4
Lifetime Rotation and Balance for all 4
New Valve System for all 4
$391.00
And while it's one of those times I'm grateful I had to do most stuff myself, because I had a decent amount of confidence in my purchase, it also brought on a serious grief response.
I find my sadness is triggered by the small things. The children grow and change and no one reacts to them like he did. A lot of people love them and love them deeply, but as many people who comment on the fact that I still breastfeed, I miss Thomas teasing Elijah telling him to "lay off the breastmilk".
Still in the wake of the difficulties, God is taking amazingly good care of us. I am beginning to see my way in this new life. It's a process, but I'm trying to be patient with myself. That isn't always easy especially with young children who are developing and changing so quickly.
Chief cook and bottle washer that's me. I'm in a summer reading enrichment class with Ariana which is teaching me all kinds of things about her and about me. Adding chores to her list every couple of weeks trying to teach her that families help each other and how important she is to our success. She took a liking to our Dirt Devil Minivac, so much so that she sharpened her pencil over the carpet just to have an excuse to use it. I figured she was ready for a new chore. I told her if she liked that thing so much to hit the stairs with it-one less thing for me. I guess the lesson is sinking in. Today I picked up pizza on the way home. I took Elijah and my bag out of the van and planned to go back for the pizza. I turned around and Ariana had closed the van door and had the pizza in her tiny hands heading for the house. In my head, "what if she drops it?" "What if she sees a bug...she'll throw it and run." I stayed calm and told her to be careful. When she got inside she said, "I just don't want you to have to go back and forth." Wow.
I'm helping Elijah sit up on his own and develop his strength during tummy time, an activity he protests more than enjoys. The introduction of solid foods makes things interesting watching every part and poop praying he isn't allergic to anything. He likes food...not a surprise and he's growing like crazy. So far he's only allergic to scented baby wipes and it's more of a sensitivity. He also requires Aveeno baby lotion to stay moisturized. Inherited his father's sensitive skin, but has his beautiful complexion as well. I adore that little boy. Sometimes I still can't believe he's here. I wish his father could see him now. I wish he could see them both. We talked in detail about how they should be raised. I just move ahead and when I'm down and feel an unexpected push from somewhere, I know it's all those prayers he prayed for me. Towards the end he just mostly prayed...worked and prayed and both of those things are helping me. I'm glad I never failed to tell him I appreciated it.
Miracles and sadness: the mixed bag of my widowhood part 1
First the miracle. The Air Conditioner in the house had been running low for weeks. It was running, but the fan in the unit was running slower and the air wasn't coming out of the vents with enough force. Despite it running all the time, the house was constantly 85 degrees. I had to run all the ceiling fans and an electric fan in each bedroom to keep us comfortable until I could afford to have a repairman visit. Once things came together, I figured it was time to call the guy about the AC. But then something happened. It rained and got a little cooler so we slept without the extra fans. It was 93 degrees the next day and I cringed at my desk when I realized I'd forgotten to turn them back on before leaving for work.
I came home expecting the house to be an oven, but it wasn't. It was actually cool inside. I looked over to the nearest vent and looked at the blinds hanging 3 feet above it. Instead of barely moving every few seconds like it had been for weeks it was moving like it was outside in the wind. I walked over to it and I couldn't believe it…air! Air was flowing through it like normal. I could feel it all the way up to my face whereas before I could barely feel it on my legs when I stood over it.
Looked at the thermostat…78. Went to a window and looked down at the unit outside. Before the fan moved slower to the point where I could see the individual blades, but now they moved fast so all I could see was a blur.
With the house cooler, I have more energy in the evenings so Monday I came home and made dinner, ate w/the children, cleaned the kitchen, read to the children, bathed everybody, put the kids to bed, got Elijah's food ready for the next day, picked out clothes, put in a load of laundry, then sat down with my study guide (pastor provides one with each new sermon) and some fruit and spent an hour preparing for the next Bible Study before I went to bed.
Not sure if God fixed it or sent someone to fix it without my knowledge, but we've been fine in the house since then-no ceiling fans, no electric fans and I can turn the AC off at night when I got to bed. Good thing too because around the same time, I realized my minivan needs not one, not two but 'count 'em four new tires...and this wasn't a "wait til the end of the month purchase. It wasn't even a "wait until payday purchase. It was an "it should have been done last week" purchase.
Oh well...breathe in, breathe out...head to Wal-Mart.
I came home expecting the house to be an oven, but it wasn't. It was actually cool inside. I looked over to the nearest vent and looked at the blinds hanging 3 feet above it. Instead of barely moving every few seconds like it had been for weeks it was moving like it was outside in the wind. I walked over to it and I couldn't believe it…air! Air was flowing through it like normal. I could feel it all the way up to my face whereas before I could barely feel it on my legs when I stood over it.
Looked at the thermostat…78. Went to a window and looked down at the unit outside. Before the fan moved slower to the point where I could see the individual blades, but now they moved fast so all I could see was a blur.
With the house cooler, I have more energy in the evenings so Monday I came home and made dinner, ate w/the children, cleaned the kitchen, read to the children, bathed everybody, put the kids to bed, got Elijah's food ready for the next day, picked out clothes, put in a load of laundry, then sat down with my study guide (pastor provides one with each new sermon) and some fruit and spent an hour preparing for the next Bible Study before I went to bed.
Not sure if God fixed it or sent someone to fix it without my knowledge, but we've been fine in the house since then-no ceiling fans, no electric fans and I can turn the AC off at night when I got to bed. Good thing too because around the same time, I realized my minivan needs not one, not two but 'count 'em four new tires...and this wasn't a "wait til the end of the month purchase. It wasn't even a "wait until payday purchase. It was an "it should have been done last week" purchase.
Oh well...breathe in, breathe out...head to Wal-Mart.
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