Sunday, November 17, 2013

Sometimes...I Do Feel Overwhelmed (A Summer Journal Entry)

And summer is one of those times.  When August hits, it is not only the most expensive month, but now it is the month when my stomach starts churning thinking of the upcoming school year.  I could really use someone with whom I could shoulder all of this. When Thomas was here he was sick and I had to be the strong one, the foundation, the one to handle everything.

I was the main parent, the money manager, appointment scheduler, housekeeper, everything. He was sick so long, I hardly remember what it was like to really be able to rely on him like most women I know rely on their husbands, but I tried to be grateful he was here to talk to, but when I really really needed someone to talk to, about my fears, my hopes, my angst, I didn't feel I could add on to what he was already dealing with because of his health issues.

I'd gotten decent at the super woman thing, but it did wear thin before he died and he was upset at having to take more on for himself even though it was minimal. He felt all he should have to do was work, but really I was trying to get him to go out on disability because I thought he'd live longer and we'd be able to be more of a family. No go.

Isolation was the key word.

Now here I am with the children, working to get 504 Plan requests together and whatever else Ariana needs for the upcoming year. ADHD predominantly inattentive seems to be a foreign concept. Oh she doesn't have that, she isn't hyper. So on top of it all, I'm feeling misunderstood about a subject I'm still working to understand. I have read probably 6 books on ADHD since she was diagnosed and just as many about Dyslexia. I finally found a book solely on ADHD PI and I wish I could pass it out to about a dozen people. What an eye opener. I had just finished it but it has changed my life.

Then trying to get people to understand that Dyslexia is not just about falling behind in reading...ugh! She's my daughter and I love her with every fiber and I'll protect her, advocate for her, and do whatever I have to in order to avoid her going backwards. The amount of progress she made over the past year with what little I understood it being the first year after diagnosis was remarkable.

Her school is small and now I'm getting hit with concerns with singling her out. It's really too late for that concern. It is what it is. She is fine with it. She actually tells people about Dyslexia now. She does well with the 504 accommodations and I'm not giving them up for anything. I am working my behind off with her at home to nurture the way she learns best and she is actually looking forward to going back in a couple of weeks. If anyone else has a problem with it I doubt they mind enough to switch and have their child have Dyslexia instead.

Then there's my baby.  I changed the night time routine so that it is more interactive with my son to get him talking more and using his motor skills more and following directions. The speech lady that came to see him felt he was a bit behind. He is already starting to use more phrases and words. She said something to me about him repeating his instructions and had a name for it. Who knew that was something bad. Geez!

And at night when they are in bed, it is just me with all of my research up way too late at night...and no one's shoulder to lean on when I do lay down.  It's just heavy sometimes. I'm generally not too bad about doing this alone. I was practically alone when Thomas was here and if I have to tell the truth, he might actually be with the crowd on this one as far as Ariana is concerned.

But others though they may be difficult to bring around, do care.  I'm going to use that to my advantage.

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