I saw a shirt recently that read "I survive on caffeine and chaos". Life is normally a mix of chaos and calm. When you have children, chaos tends to tip the scale. My life is no different. I have one teenager. The female child is a complex one. Raising her is probably the hardest thing I have had to do. We are alike in a lot of ways, some good, some not so good. She has concerns I did not have as a teenager.
She has Dyslexia and ADHD. She's smart and scattered as a good book I once read regarding teenagers and ADHD suggests. She's creative and disorganized. She stuffs brilliant work into the back of her binder past the due date. Her art desk looks like a tornado hit it; but the pictures are beautiful. It would drive her father up a wall if he were here. But he's not. And this year, for her, he has now been gone longer than he was here.
The relationship with her brother? His love and loyalty for her I believe is limitless. He can be upset with her; but he will try to protect her if he thinks I might be too harsh. She doesn't quite realize how powerful she can be in his eyes; but she loves him immensely. Every so often she will admit he is her best friend. She has an artsy, quirky personality. She's pulled her brother and me into her world. We listen to her music when she isn't here. My son is just as likely to ask Alexa to play "What About Us" by Pink as he is to ask Alexa for the PJ Masks theme song.
Music and Art provides a sanctuary for her in this world. It's a struggle I know. School isn't really set up for kids like her. She wonders why she can't just take her English, Art, Math and Music classes. She tolerates World History because the beauty of these other countries speaks to the artist in her. She'd never take another Science class if she would get away with it. One of my greatest challenges is somehow getting it across how important these annoying little assignments are. I often think, "Oh the Places You'll Go," as Dr. Seuss said. How do I get you to the right path? I ask myself that question more than one time a day.
The right Art Classes, I'm ready. Choir practice, okay. Read that book, I'm on it. A bit of volleyball on the side, that's cool. She is also super competitive. Assistive Technology so you can get that essay done...how does it work again? Study for that Biology test. It's mom again. If I nod in agreement then lean back in the chair, put my headphones on and close my eyes, maybe she'll go away. Her father did the same thing when he wanted me to be quiet. I wonder if she fully understands how much I love her. She may not until she is on this side.
I also have an 8 year-old. The male child is my Science kid. Daily I narrowly avoid injuring myself stepping on a Lego or stumbling over some new invention. He creates entire battlefields in almost every room in the house. It would drive his father up a wall if he were here. But he's not.
When he locked in and building, he is also creating stories and adventures. Writing that story down on paper...I might hear, I don't want to as he streaks out of the room like a track star. He's also Dyslexic with ADHD. He's a determined little boy. Despite it all he has worked to become a strong reader. He does time and a half with school because multiple days a week, he sits through lessons I have reconstructed to cater to him. I have so much material I'm getting stuff in the mail offering me an educator discount on materials. But I get the privilege of seeing him learn new things, grasp new things and experience that I knew you could if you were just given a chance feeling with him.
He has started down a path of athletics. He is more serious about it than his sister. He knows his father played multiple sports and he has successfully pulled me into that world. Soccer is his love right now. It's probably the one sport his father didn't play and that's fine. He's having fun and it is a decent source of male bonding as he gets older.
It is tough to balance. Sometimes I can't be everywhere. Have I accepted it? Yes, although I admit, grudgingly. Twists and turns and even a change in jobs. Two things have helped us a lot. One was Ariana growing up enough to babysit. The other was me finding a job in my field where I work from home. I have had at least a 30 minute commute for almost 20 years. Now that brought on a new one as I now put in close to 50 hours some weeks. But even when I'm a starter on "Team No Sleep" I'm grateful for a lot of things. Getting to soccer practice, swimming lessons and a host of other things wouldn't be possible. It wasn't as easy as it sounds. I had not left a job in 25 years. Jobs had always left me.
I never pictured this life until we were in it. I try to think of it as an adventure I'm privileged to be on; but I don't always succeed. God often runs this train despite me. It's hard. Grief, feelings of abandonment, feeling cheated, like my children were cheated still happens. I get tired, angry, and overwhelmed. I have days where I will picture myself walking away from the next person that asks me for anything. But it is an adventure and I am privileged to be a part of it. So, eight years now, we have been on our own. The struggle is real...really worth it.
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