Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Miracles and sadness: the mixed bag of my widowhood part 2

I had to get 4 new tires for the minivan yesterday. I never had to replace all 4 tires at once. For budget's sake I tried to keep myself in a place where I never had to do more than 2 at once. I guess the van's previous owner did things differently because they all wore down at the same time. I was going to wait until Saturday, but looked Tuesday morning and saw threads exposed on one of them.

It's amazing what makes you miss somebody. Most of the wives I know didn't have to take their own cars to the shop. Yeah, I know some spoiled women, but I ain't mad at them. I always took my own vehicle in, but Thomas would have offered some opinion on what tire to get, then examined the receipt and filed it after he looked at them to see how they looked and cleaned the hubcaps where the workers got them dirty.

As the tire tech advised me to keep the paperwork in the van so I would have proof that I had purchased the road hazard warranty and life time rotation and balance, I imagined he actually cared and wasn't just giving me a spill as part of his job. Still, I remembered there wasn't anyone at home to make sure I'd made a wise decision. I didn't get the most expensive tire, but I didn't get the cheapest tire. Thankfully my minivan takes the same size tire as my old car did, so I kind of had stored up advice on what to do.

Went to Wal-Mart like always.

4 new tires…GoodYear 60,000 mile tires

Road Hazard warranty for all 4
Lifetime Rotation and Balance for all 4
New Valve System for all 4


And while it's one of those times I'm grateful I had to do most stuff myself, because I had a decent amount of confidence in my purchase, it also brought on a serious grief response.

I find my sadness is triggered by the small things. The children grow and change and no one reacts to them like he did. A lot of people love them and love them deeply, but as many people who comment on the fact that I still breastfeed, I miss Thomas teasing Elijah telling him to "lay off the breastmilk".

Still in the wake of the difficulties, God is taking amazingly good care of us. I am beginning to see my way in this new life. It's a process, but I'm trying to be patient with myself. That isn't always easy especially with young children who are developing and changing so quickly.

Chief cook and bottle washer that's me. I'm in a summer reading enrichment class with Ariana which is teaching me all kinds of things about her and about me. Adding chores to her list every couple of weeks trying to teach her that families help each other and how important she is to our success. She took a liking to our Dirt Devil Minivac, so much so that she sharpened her pencil over the carpet just to have an excuse to use it. I figured she was ready for a new chore. I told her if she liked that thing so much to hit the stairs with it-one less thing for me. I guess the lesson is sinking in. Today I picked up pizza on the way home. I took Elijah and my bag out of the van and planned to go back for the pizza. I turned around and Ariana had closed the van door and had the pizza in her tiny hands heading for the house. In my head, "what if she drops it?" "What if she sees a bug...she'll throw it and run." I stayed calm and told her to be careful. When she got inside she said, "I just don't want you to have to go back and forth." Wow.

I'm helping Elijah sit up on his own and develop his strength during tummy time, an activity he protests more than enjoys. The introduction of solid foods makes things interesting watching every part and poop praying he isn't allergic to anything. He likes food...not a surprise and he's growing like crazy. So far he's only allergic to scented baby wipes and it's more of a sensitivity. He also requires Aveeno baby lotion to stay moisturized. Inherited his father's sensitive skin, but has his beautiful complexion as well. I adore that little boy. Sometimes I still can't believe he's here. I wish his father could see him now. I wish he could see them both. We talked in detail about how they should be raised. I just move ahead and when I'm down and feel an unexpected push from somewhere, I know it's all those prayers he prayed for me. Towards the end he just mostly prayed...worked and prayed and both of those things are helping me. I'm glad I never failed to tell him I appreciated it.

1 comment:

  1. You are so precious. I am so glad to read your blog. I pray for God's blessings in your life.